I came, I saw and I conquered (part 2)

Click here to read/get refreshed on part 1…

I was now on board a plane to Plateau state, seated in the middle of two vacant seats and listening to the popular gospel song ‘God will make a way where there seems to be no way’. Using it to reaffirm my faith in God. I was literally having my quiet time with my Heavenly Father and was on the 5th page of my ‘why me oh God‘ speech when this pretty fine man neatly robed in well ironed tuxedo suit walked up to me asking that I excused him as he was to sit by the window. Immediately I looked into his eyes and perceived his dollar bills scent, the Angel Gabriel’s voice in my head  echoed a reminder ‘peace, maybe you’ll find your husband there’. 

That life changing Reminder triggered my adrenaline which unconsciously made me display signs of imbecility. Ostrich eyes, mouth agape and saliva enroute to drip. My basic expression whenever I saw something that looked like my portion in the land of the living. 

I made way for him, he was seated and so was i. We were now seated as a couple and even though he hadn’t declared his intentions yet, I knew at the bottom of my spinster heart that I wouldn’t leave that plane single and so, on that note, I saw myself imaginerily trekking  to Dubai to buy a 1million carat diamond engagement  ring courtesy of my husband-to-be. 

I was oblivious to other passengers who were boarding as my eyes were busy staring fixedly at my missing found rib right from the crown of his well shaped  head to the sole of his Oxford shoes. The more I looked possessively at him with the corners of my eyes and inhaled that mint money scent,  the more I was convinced on the reason my direct posting to Lagos did not work out. What was even in the Lagos? After all,  I had stayed in Lagos for twenty something years yet I never found answers to my problems not to talk of finding my missing rib. No one promised me anything not even a rubber ring so why Was I being persistent on Lagos in the first place? Plateau was my abode of testimonies  because technically, the reason the  Lord had sent me to Plateau was to make sure I found my missing rib before the end of 2018. It was the lord’s doing and it was marvelous in my sight. 

My subconscious lifted my spirit with  verses from  psalm 118 and as it recited it, I imaginerily walked up to every lady on the plane  preaching thus to them, ‘ dear sister. I don’t know you but something tells me you are single and desperately willing to mingle. I don’t know how long you’v waited on the lord but I am here today to tell you that every disappointment in your life is a blessing. I am a living witness!  If you applied for a visa to America bcoz you want to meet the likes of Anthony Joshua, Channing Tatum,  but then  a visa to Afghanistan is given to you. Don’t fright! Don’t faint! Just go there! Don’t look back, just keep going there bcoz  sister, You will find your husband there! 

After about 3minutes,  my imaginations blurred out and since it was only him and I still seated, I wanted to tell him how I had a vision in 1992 that I would meet my husband on a plane to Plateau in 2018 and how he looked exactly like the rib I had lost a long time ago, but before I could beckon on my British accent enzymes, another man who looked nothing close to my missing placenta walked towards us and sat on the isle seat.  

On sitting, he turned to me, laughed like he was from the first generation of hyenas, and then said ‘baby you are very beauriful’.  I didn’t even blink nor blush. I turned away and snapped my fingers in disgust. I mean, what kind of man was he?  Flirting with a woman right in front of her husband?  besides, was ‘beauriful’ a name of a person, animal, place or thing? 

 Soon the crew announced  our take off and barely 1sec we reached the clouds,  uncle on the isle seat started to whistle. He would poke me, and then when I turned, he would wink.  He tried tirelessly to engage me in trivial conversations and when he saw I was nonchalant, he whispered into my ears, telling me how his pastor had told him earlier this year that he would meet his missing rib on a plane and he knew I was the one bcoz immediately he set his eyes on me, something in him caught fire.  ‘That must have been your senses’-i murmured, basically doing everything within my power to avoid verbally cheating on my husband-to-be who as at the time had his eyes sexily locked to the pages of a magazine.

I was still minding my business with nostrils focused on inhaling that mint money scent when the isle seat man interrupted. ‘ baby why are you going to Plateau’? . 

They said I should go and  serve my father land there’. I answered 

As soon as my Mr right heard that, he turned to me with a face now possessed with a thousand contortions and I had thought he was about to start a poem on how his life would be incomplete without me, instead he said ‘you mean you are going to serve?.  are you even done with secondary school? 

Until now, I’m yet to get over that heartbreak. No one had ever been that evil to me. I know I have a small stature so what? Where was it written in the Bible that people with small stature cannot graduate from high school? Must i always be in primary or secondary school bcos I have a small stature? Does he even know my real age?   That means all that time I was loving, sewing asoebi, marrying, getting pregnant and giving birth to our babies in my imagination, oga was busy guessing  the type of baby diaper i used? As if the heart break wasn’t enough he went on to tell me how he felt Plateau was a good place for me to serve. He said I would enjoy the weather. He said I would meet lots of friendly people, and then  lastly he said,  ‘everything about Plateau is good. My wife and kids love it there that’s why they stay there’.

Wait! What?  wife? was he referring to me? Which kids? Was he talking about the two boys I had for him in my imagination? I was practically looking for answers to my questions when  boom! I saw an unidentified carat diamond  ring happily wrapped around his ring finger. 

You know, if I had invoked Amadioha to crash that plane, people will say I’m wicked right? That Daddy knew he was married yet he heartlessly allowed me to trek to Dubai to buy myself a ring? Why did he have to deceive me for so long? Why didn’t he tell me all those times I  wasted my 200watt green light on him? Why so heartless daddy? Daddy, if you going out tomorrow and thunder from no where strikes you down. People will say you were a good man not knowing what you had done to a child of God like me. Men! 

At that point,  all I wanted to do was  walk to the cock pit to tell the pilot to stop the plane.i wanted to alight.  i was no longer interested in the journey. I wept silently and threw a thousand curses at everyone especially Mr Cletus ,Mr Right turned wrong & the isle man that won’t let me weep in peace disturbing me with talks about his undying love for my long ears . Really?

Finally, the 1hr 10mins flight came to an end and God knows I was the first to exit that plane. I couldn’t bear any more sec with that Mr right wrong & that beauriful talkative. As soon as i got out, I felt something I’d like to call ‘London breeze’. It wasn’t the kinda breeze I was used to as a Nigerian.  It was so cold, I felt the need for a winter jacket. I was literally in the big abroad and  the first thing anyone in my shoes would do was tell it to the world so  I picked out my phone and put calls across to friends and family, speaking British. That accent came with the weather. It wasn’t intentional at all. 

 Now catwalking to the baggage claim area with my dress and  hair flying in the wind, making me feel like Beyonce ➕  Angelina Jolie compressed in one small body, I soliloquised with my second to none  British accent like  ‘Yo Peace! You gotta buy some winter jackets huh. this place be damn cold like whatttt? Hollup! Is that snow I see? Oh no.. It’s the cloud. Ha-ha…shit feels good!  they spend dollars here? Huh? Anybody? You guys spend bills here?  Maybe not.. Not yet. Honestly Peace, Mr Cletus was right you know. Nigga got the vision! God’s definitely tryna prepare your not-too-big ass for the biiig abroad.. Uh-huh. that right, Say whatttt? . 

P. S: The sequel ‘camp boys are not husbands’ coming soon. ❤❤

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..I came, I saw and I conquered.. (Nysc part1)

Peace, take heart you hear’, it’s not the end of world’. ‘Don’t cry o. This one you’re  already blinking unapologetically  like an albino’. ‘hmm peace, could this be your village people  or is this  the will of God for your life?’ ‘Peace as long as there’s life, there’s hope. just go, maybe you’l find your husband there’. 

All These were  what I got as consolations after I painfully broke the news of my deployment to Plateau state. Believe me, breaking that news  was the hardest thing I had ever done asides forcing out strong poop from my very compact anus.

Related: This thing doesn’t want to come out

Remember In my post guess who’s back, I had ranted basically about how some kind of  spiritual hunger possessed  me into choosing 2 northern states for my Nysc orientation program?  Truth is, somewhere at the back of my mind, I was sure I wouldn’t be deployed to any of those northern states. Why so? Days after I had  registered and was wallowing in self pity, I got in contact with a man I believed was sent to me by God after he must have been  solely baptized by Angel Gabriel. 

 He promised to offer me direct posting to any state of my choice.  I told him my  placenta was buried in Lagos so I needed to serve in Lagos. He said he would help me, provided I paid  him some thousands of Naira. I concurred. Anything to save my not-too-flattering ass from melting in the very scorching and conniving Northern sun. I convinced my family into giving me the money & after I had made payment & sent my Nysc reg details to that man, I started wearing invisible shoulder pads everywhere I went. You should have seen me. I was too proud to be true. I’d  be shouting Corper weeee,  waaaa waaaa waaaa up and down like an electrocuted she-goat. 

Brethren, I didn’t stop bragging. I didn’t stop talking about being a Lagos Corper. In commercial vehicles, people  be arguing  the reasons Buhari didn’t deserve a 2nd term and I’d be using almighty formula to teach them the 99.9 merits of being a Lagos Corper. My sis would send me to the market & Instead of focusing on the okporoko(stock fish)  I was sent to buy,  I’d start a rambling speech, promising  the market women that I’d renovate the entire market when I finally become a Lagos Corper. Pls you people should ask me when nysc became a governorship campaign. My shoulder pads never lost an ounce of  rigidity and on Several occasions , I’d pick up my phone, go to my whatsapp status to write stuff like ‘Ajuwaya!! Corper weeee o ‘ Eko o ni baje o. ‘Lagos Corper loading 96%. if  you’re sure you’l be a Lagos Corper  do like this☝ so we’d count ourselves…please if you are not sure of your Lagos status, kindly wrinkle that finger b4 I chop it off’!.    luckily,  for some reason, whenever  I was  a click away from uploading  that, something I’d like to call the hand of God would touch me & i’d wipe it off. 

 So i was snuggling with my pillow one unresolved  morning when my friend and all time informant since versity days called to tell me the American visa  call up letter was out. I sprang up like a mad woman who just gained sanity,  logged into my dashboard, saw something that looked like  Plateau State, logged out and went to wash my face.  After that, I went to God in prayer. I can’t remember how many Holy Ghost fire i imported from heaven that morning. With that fire, I had imaginerily burnt up my village people who were trying to follow me, I had burnt down my dashboard and had wiped all the generations of P.l.a.t.e.a.u that had come to dwell on my dashboard. After successfully burning up everything, I started speaking in tongues. There was nothing I didn’t do. I went as far as indulging in an imaginary 40 days dry fasting on the spot.  I kept reminding God about his word in Matthew 7:7.. ‘God I asked for Lagos. why am I seeing something that looks like Plateau’?.dear lord from Lagos to plateau State is approximately 24hrs journey by road. Lord of my destiny! that wasn’t our agreement. Pls I’l be going  back to my dashboard in 5minutes. Pls Lord, instruct your Angels to use their correction pen to make neccessary corrections and let your name be praised . Amen’.

Minutes later I went to my dashboard and unlike before, ‘Plateau’ was more conspicuous as if the person who wrote it before came back to add extra ink. I felt oxygen jilt my nostrils & chills all over my body. Sweaty palms. Stiffened legs. Too many calls were coming in from people who seemed to be curious upon thesame thing ‘peace have you checked your dashboard? Did you get Lagos as you affirmed?  I replied by telling them I couldn’t access my dashboard resulting from bad network at my end & when I heard ‘send me your login let me check it for you’.  I would hang up, never to pick again. At some point my stomach started to rumble. my anus eagerly wanted to ease tension so I rushed to the toilet, and then purged uncontrollably. As I purged, I cried. I cried not primarily bcoz I was deployed to Plateau  but the fact that I had prided myself all along as a Lagos Corper. How exactly do I face the world now? 

 I got out of the toilet and my sister was standing by the door like the stench of my poop was her biggest inspiration. She asked me if I had checked my dashboard and I murmured ‘yes I have. I saw something that looked like Plateau’. She immediately  placed all members of our family on a conference call to tell them how I had wasted the family’s money on a direct posting to Lagos but was eventually  thrown to Kafanchan . I didn’t even wait to hear the last of it. I went to my room, picked my phone and addressed a text to the man who swindled me. I wrote  thus;

‘Mr Cletus. By the time you’d get this text, Amadioha must have written your name in his book of life. so Mr Cletus all this while, you were acting as a middle man btwn my village people and I yet you deceived  me into believing you were sent from God. My God will punish you. The punishment he will give you will come in episodes and by his Grace, all your kids will be deployed to Chad when their time comes. I give you 2secs 1min to refund my money else, I’l invoke amadioha to give you blow job. Wicked man’!

I drafted that text and broke more in tears. I placed a call to him instead, telling him my predicament & how disappointed I was. He apologized & promised to work out a redeployment for me. Wrapping up the call, he said, ‘ but Peace you know Plateau is like London. That place is cold o & it even snows there. Maybe this is how  God is trying to prepare you for the big abroad’. I hung up and even though I tried to see light at the end of the tunnel, I felt betrayed. Everyone had betrayed me including you my blog readers  bcoz y’all  obviously didn’t pray for me despite how much I begged for it . I thought we were a family! 

 In the end, it was just me,God and plateau. Some Friends and loved ones called to sympathize. Others paid me condolence visit. Some laughed at me. Some already gave me northern baptismal names while the rest used my story to teach kids on the topic ‘pride comes before a fall’. On the deal day, I muffled up my hopes in the hem of God’s garment and with every step I took to the airport, Mr Cletus words became my utmost assurance. I would hit my hand on my Chest and say to myself ‘but Peace, you know  jos is like London. That place is very cold o. It even snows there. Maybe this is God trying to prepare you for the big abroad or maybe, just maybe,  you’l find your husband there’.

Is it okay to snoop on your partner?

So in-between work sometime last week, I visited Linda ikeji’s blog and came across this headline👇

€95,000 = 47million naira

I don’t know the authenticity of this news but after I read it through, I saw all reasons to give thanks  to the one God who never made me a Saudis. I also praised his Holy name for his wisdom and guidance as I had never for once in my entire life considered migrating to Saudi Arabia. I had never considered it a destination for honeymoon, sugarmoon, milo-moon, milk-moon or any other moon that has to do with myself,  my man and his phone b/cos y’all know what? I am an unrepentant badass snoop, and judging from that law, I’d spend all my life in jail with hard labour.  hard labour bcoz if you summed up my past life with my present life, it wouldn’t even be equal to 2million not to talk of 47million naira. The only time I saw such huge amounts of money was in a dream I had  in the year 2001. So now y’all know where I’m coming from right? 

Please, don’t come here to judge me and question my self confidence as a woman or list my insecurities or give me a sermon on the topic, ‘snooping can ruin your relationship’. I mean, why should my relationship get ruined becoz I snooped on my partner or he snooped on me? are we not being oblivious to the fact  that my relationship got ruined not bcoz I snooped but bcoz in the process of snooping, I found out my man was the updated version of Cristiano Ronaldo who was solely dribbling 99 girls on whatsapp, 66 women on facebook and scoring free penalty with 45 slay queens on Instagram? if this was the case, then would it be reasonable to blame the failure of my relationship on my snooping or on his cheating ass? Would it be better if I didn’t find out? Would it be better if I had let myself be blinded by the non-existant love of a man whose only ambition on earth is to outdo king Solomon? 

Some general overseers in relationship matters would say the reason you are snooping on your partner is bcoz you do not trust them and a relationship without trust is bound to fail but then,  how can trust sprout if I can’t invade your privacy and find you blameless? The person you are allowing access to your privacy is not a stranger. That person is not your wicked step-mother, your colleague at work or that mad woman or madman down your street. The person we are talking about here is your partner! Your spouse! You share bed with that person . You go down on that person. You both share problems, ideas, thoughts. You both also share tooth brush, pants, saliva and other things i’m not interested in talking about on here, So what exactly is the big deal in them going through your phone? Ain’t you both suppose to be one? oh, so you can be one in every other thing but when it comes to your phone you want to 2? You want to build a bridge and draw boundaries? really, what type of milk did you drink in your childhood? goat milk? 

Okay, before you think I am blabbering, I will go ahead to list all the Pros and cons of snooping that I know of,  and you are free to correct me if you think i’m illogical. Now to the Pros; 

  • Snooping helps you discover some underlying truth about your partner. In cases where his side job is kidnapping but he never told you and then you on his whatsapp one evening, and you come across his chat with a gang member who hit him up like ‘ Evans, now that we have kidnapped Otedola, should our next target be Dangote ? 😱
  • It helps you to effortlessly dodge a bullet. In cases where you go through her phone, only to find out she’s an all time bed-hopper who isn’t repenting soon cos she texted one Alhaji Musa to tell him she would  come visit him in Abuja during the weekend even though she had lied to you, saying she wanted to go see her sick uncle in the village that weekend. Now you know her true colors. You know you deserve better. You know you’v dodged that bullet and you ain’t gon’ beat yourself up about it cos you know you loved her ceaselessly even though you know her butts are flat as pancakes.  
  • It helps to build more trust in your relationship. In cases where he is acting suspicious and then you go through his phone but found nothing, other than his chat with his pastor and the main topic of their discussion was you. How much blessings you have been to him and how he couldn’t  wait  to finally say ‘I do’ to you. After reading that chat, you know your love and trust level for him automatically  bottles up  from 60litres to 360litres.
  • It reduces your chances of contracting STDs. In cases where you go through his phone and realized he had hooked up with prostitute that night before coming home to you. You know you ain’t giving him any doggy that night and In fact,  You’r  gon’ lock up that v*gin* and will only unlock it after; (1) taking him to the hospital to have a proper test done on his PS and (2)  After he must have used algebra and almighty formula to explain why he cheated in the first place.

    Cons;

    • Your 7/8/10years relationship abruptly ends. In cases you find out he/she is really cheating and you don’t know the best way to handle it so everything becomes messy and one person is asking for space and then silent treatments for weeks and boom the next time you call him/her, they’re asking ‘who’s this please‘?  
    • You get hurt. Can’t stop crying for days, weeks, months,years and decades and then your followers on social media starts to unfollow you bcoz they are tired of your daily ‘men are scum’ rants.
    • I don’t know. I guess it’s finished. No more cons people! no more cons! 

     Having said all these, I’d like to give a shout-out to my fellow snoopers. You guys are not alone. I have been with y’all before Jesus turned that water into wine, and maybe, just Maybe before rapture takes place we’d change right? Maybe not!  To you dear readers, what is your take on snooping? do you think it’s okay to snoop or get snooped on by your partner? Are you for or  against it?  Has snooping ever marred your relationship or did it help it grow stronger? Tell us in the comment section! We unapologetic snoopers and non-snoopers want to know! ❤❤

    Guess who’s back? 

    I was on a baecation with Anthony Joshua in the magnificent City of Dubia which explains my absence from this blog. I am sorry I couldn’t inform you all before leaving. I remember I was lying on my Mouka foam that Saturday morning when I got this text ‘peace baby, it must have been hard faring without me.  I’m sorry for all the times I neglected you and spent our hard earned money on other women. Truth is, without you, I cannot breathe,eat or even sleep. You are the bone of my bone and I’m sorry it took me this long to realize. Dear peace, I have made all this money for you. My ribs are incomplete without you. Come meet me at the airport in 10minutes. Don’t bother packing up anything , we’d shop for new things when we get to Dubai.  your missing rib, Anthony J.❤

    I used 5minutes from my 10minutes deadline to wash my face over and over again so I could re-read the text. I mean, I knew my rib had been missing  all this while but how would I have known my local rib was so ambitious as to apply for visa, purchase ticket,  cross borders, lands and seas to finally land between Anthony Joshua’s huge six-packs?

     After using 2minutes from my remaining 5minutes to shower,  I thought of making a post  to share the good news, but what if Anthony Joshua had sent the text to a couple of peace on his contact b/cos he wasn’t sure which of the peace was my own peace, and had decided to go with the first peace who showed up at the airport? isn’t delay really dangerous? What would it profit me to gain your congratulatory feedbacks but lose my Anthony Joshua to one peace whose buttocks are as little as a mustard seed? After thoroughly thinking this through, I drafted my post,  shoved WordPress into my accommodating ass & hurriedly flew to the airport to posses my possession!

    Dubai was fun! From the time Anthony Joshua told me he saw his future kids in my eyes, to the time  he asked me to marry him while we were jetting off to Los Angeles to get pizza. I would have shared countless loved up photos of us on here but Anthony Joshua is a very discreet person. Please don’t come here to say I am lying b/cos if you do,  I’l  forward your photo to Amadioha and you know what that means.  Anthony Joshua and I have been way back & I was with him before his abs, packs & muscles were born. I was literally with him when he had nothing and you don’t think it’s high time I reap my labour?

     Dear beloveth Anthony  Joshua, I want you to know that you are the man for me. You are undisputedly the best boo in the whole muscular world, and my greatest wish right now is to continue this dream about us tonight! 

                   …….Now back to reality!!….. 

    The past weeks I wasn’t here,  I was in my second country, Benin Republic. After visiting Benin Republic, and coming back to Nigeria, I’d like tell you Nigerians complaining about the Nigerian Sun to kindly shut up  b/cos apparently, y’all are inside a refrigerator compared to people in that country! 

    Few days  I arrived Benin, I went to a saloon to braid my hair,  and when the saloonist was half way through, I heard,  ‘Aunty, hair e no dey for Middle o‘. I was shocked. Why won’t there be hair in the middle of my head?

     To attest, I ran my fingers on my scalp and  lo and behold, I was truly bald at the middle! Not even a single hair. The country’s volcanic sun had erupted on my head and savaged all the hair in the middle. Until now, I still wonder how a sun could be so carnivorous, conniving and cruel.

     If only i was fluent in French, I would have written a letter to the Beninese Government so they tackle this issue of intense sun b4 more people will go bald, and then blame their village people for their hairless destinies. 

    The reason I went to Benin Republic was to have my clearance done and then, get my certificate, but little did I know that getting my certificate would be synonymous to getting American visa.  It was an unending process. The school authorities kept tossing me round, and when I couldn’t condole anymore tossing,  I came up with a story of how I had a 3month old baby in Nigeria and how my husband had been calling to tell me the baby was always crying for breast milk. My story went viral and touched hearts.  In  less than 24hrs I cooked up that story,  I got apologies in order & also got my certificate. 

    I returned to Nigeria few days after and successfully registered for my nysc. If you follow my blog religiously,  you would have read a post I talked about Nysc and all its palava and the reason I dread the scheme so much. The story hasn’t changed. I got no love for the scheme. In fact, I shamelessly admit to getting engaged in it b/cos of the 19,800naira I would be paid monthly. Half bread they say is better than none. I rather collect 19,800naira than stay home and collect 19,800kg worth of undiluted calories. 

    Related: Between me,  Nysc and all its palava.

     During my registration, I didn’t  know what possessed me into choosing 2 northern states from my 4 states option. please no one should come here to tell me to take heart or tell me everything happens for a reason. I remember the night before the Nysc portal opened, I had fantasized on how I would choose Lagos, Abuja, Lagos and Abuja again. On the deal day,  I forfeited breakfast, got to the cyber at 8.am to meet more than  a hundred prospective corpers already queued up.  I picked my  number & the wait began. Whenever I talked myself into going to look for snacks to eat, my subconscious told me not to go. It told  me to exercise little more patience so I don’t miss my turn. That was how I sat there like a widowed fowl for 7hrs b4 my name was called.  As at the time it got to my turn,  my eyes already turned quarter past 4  & hunger was ministering  to me in 77 dialects. I became confused and the next thing I remember was seeing myself in front of a puff puff vendor, telling her to give me extra 200naira puff puff. After getting all the puff puff safely buried in my stomach, I returned to the cyber to continue with my registration but The lady at the cyber told me I was already done with it. 

    Really?  how could she say I had registered when I don’t have any memory of it? I didn’t believe her until I went on my whatsapp and realised I told a friend I was through with my registration and had also sent that friend the list of states I had chosen. 1eastern state, 1west and 2 northern states. Please you people should ask me if I have a family member in the north. Why did my village people send Hunger to me to get me confused? Why do they want me to serve in the north?  I didn’t even choose it once but twice. Oh Lord! 

    If there’s anything I need right now, it would be your prayers. Blog people, I need you to pray for me. I don’t want to posted to Kafanchan.  I don’t  want to be posted to  a place where I have to climb trees &electric poles, satellite dishes just to check my phone balance. I’m counting on all of your prayers. Please, please and please, for the love of Christ, don’t abandon me in this my time of need!

    Happy New month y’all❤❤