Sugar mummy and boy toy saga

Read a funny report online that a 54 year old Maggie beat up her 26-year-old boy toy after allegedly catching him red handed making love to a girl in her own car in Lusaka, Zambia. What a pirry! the young boy Was Prolly tired of hitting & dinning around wrinkled  walls, so  thought he could switch meal, but unfortunately for his fucky ass,  his owner caught  him, and from the way she focused on vandalizing his mouth, she probably caught him using it for P. juice extraction. -end time people! 

According to reports, the angered old lady took  laws into her hands and beat this young man like a little child, punishing him for messing with her heart. She probably told him to kneel down, raise his hands and close his eyes or to pick pin. (Those of us who had wicked seniors in high school can relate) or she might have asked him to use his lips to carry bricks because from what we see, those lips can no longer make heaven.  

I sincerely didn’t know this kind of things happened outside the shores of Abuja,Nigeria. Though I haven’t been to Abuja, I heard from reliable sources that it’s a city of sugar mummies, sugar daddies, runs boys and runs girls.  I heard that  96% of young guys who live large in  Abuja are boy toys,  99% of girls who live large there are runs girls, 100% of men with potbelly in Abuja are sugar daddies while 96% of  widows have boy toys. True or false? 

On a more serious note, it’s really weird how people go extreme to make money and what people engage in for satisfaction. A young guy got his face disfigured by his sugar mummy and I bet this guy is one of those  who tell their biological mother’s,‘Yo Momma! You can’t go hitting me. I am a man now and I have a pubic full of hair’!  But, just negodu how another woman broke his lips without pity and all he could do was take a selfie to show us. 

I found this disturbing and it pushed me to  ask my mother how common it was having a sugar mummy  in her time. She responded by saying ‘aru’ which means abomination  in my native dialect. 
 I think she should tell that to these young men of 2day. Oops!!! bad idea. Having a sugar mummy is like a normal thing to them. A fast way of getting out insolvency and having sexual satisfaction  at the same time. It’s  like having a white collar job to them.  I find this act  very erratic  and  denial of the sovereignty of God. One shouldn’t paint bad for good or vice versa. What is bad is bad , and what is good is good. 
Also, to you ladies piling  potbelly sugar daddies. I hope you know that pot belly will burst one day. The pot belly you caress while groaning ‘Alhaji Alhaji‘ is nothing but a balloon in the eyes of God and pls don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about because from my research on ladies and gentlemen  with  sugar daddies and sugar mummies, it shows young ladies are on the lead .With my hypothesis, using Chi square shows that.
This post was originally sent in by NDUBUISI. I just had to modify to show you people what I’m having for brunch 👇

Incase you don’t know, it’s called burger!. It’s the first burger I’m having this year and I would appreciate if  you don’t come here to remind me its agege bread and Akara. Just allow me fantasize in peace. I told my Sis I was hungry for burger this morning, she went out and she came back home with that. I don’t even know how she became my Sis in the first place. She is dark and I’m light skinned. Please if you are looking for your dark skinned sister, come and place your order!  Delivery is free! 


She proposed to him…. So what? 

This post was unplanned but I had to do this. I watched this particular video that’s been trending on Instagram for 2days now, about a lady who went down on her knees to propose to her boyfriend only for him to give her a side hug. The type of hug we Nigerians call the ‘deeper life hug’ and walked out on her. As if it’s the type of hug he gives her when wants to get that p*sy. incase you haven’t seen the video or you have seen it but want to see it again cos you think it’s funny and heartbreaking at the same time, watch it below! 

I don’t know what it is with ladies proposing to men here and there, but I know it’s not something I wish to do! I won’t go on my sexy knees asking you to marry me while you stand there like a native fowl, trying to decide if you really want to spend the rest your life with me or nah. Cameras are everywhere and my village people are behind the scenes, watching to see if you gona disappoint me so they can laugh in Chinese and shake their wrinkled ass. No way! 

That said, what I don’t understand is the reason people were slamming and blasting the lady over the proposal. That lady did not wake up one morning to propose to a stranger she was just meeting for the first time. They were apparently dating! She did what she did because she was proud of what they shared and  wanted him to know that. She probably thought he meant well for her. She must have thought he loved her as much as she did him. She must have thought he would appreciate her bold move. Most of us have done worst things for love compared to what that lady did,yet we still go ahead to judge her? 

I’m tired of people calling her a whore, a slut, a disgrace to womanhood and a desperate woman. Are we not the same people who go about preaching the ‘what a man can do, a woman can do it better’ gospel? What was wrong in her attempt to do what a man should have done biko? The most infuriating thing was how no one talked low of the man. Why did we choose to justify his cowardice or am i the only one who thought him a coward? Am i the only one who thought he was a heartless man incapable of love? My point is, even if he didn’t love her as much, it was still not enough to embarrass her!  I know that lady made it a public proposal for both of them to trend for good, but the man obviously is a lover of controversies whose 2018 goal was to make it to becoming instagram news of the week and hell he did it. If not, he would  just put on a charade, accepted the ring, hugged her,then he would have  taken her out of that place to a more discreet place where he would talk senses into her then return the ring. That way,  the whole episode would have been shorter and he would have helped the lady save some dignity for her future husband. But instead, he acted as if the lady was a total stranger who walked up to him in the mall to say ‘hello sir, marry me or I die’. Really?  he acted like he never liked her one bit since they started dating . I can’t call that lady desperate because all she did was love that guy! I can’t call her desperate because  she was a victim of an untrue love. If this didn’t happen, he would probably still be deceiving her by now.  It was  love that made her appear desperate. the same love that makes us do crazy things we never thought we’ll ever do.  Since i  watched  that video yesterday, I haven’t stopped listening to Roxette’s ‘it must have been love’, and my prayer point  has been; 

  • Dear lord! Any man that has been sent by my enemies to destroy my reputation and make me a laughing stock. Dear lord, cut his PS and shrink his balls, I repeat, cut his PS and crush  his balls with your mighty hands in Jesus name, Amen! 
  • Dear Lord!  Any man from the east,west, north or south who plans to  date me for 10year before realising he’s not totally into me, oh lord let that resounding  holy ghost fire that is released from mountain of fire churches everyday hit him back and front, left and right till he turns to coal…. Amen!
  • Abbah Father! please let me not be a victim of public disgrace especially when the guy in question isn’t half as handsome as Bobrisky….Amen! 

Some men are just wicked! SMH 

Brothers and sister, what do you have to say about this? 

He would have been my husband but…. 

I never mentioned this, but I’m from a family of matchmakers. We matchmake people. People contact us from all parts of Africa and we get them hooked up.  You know, there are men and women who have sailed the seven seas, from river Nile to river Zambezi in search of their missing rib yet couldn’t find.  These set of people need help, and that’s where all the members of my family come in. we know where to find everyone’s missing rib. 

The few times  I eavesdropped on my brothers phone conversations, i heard them say  Oga Boniface! Do you want a yellow, black, green or blue woman?  bro donatus, do you want  Lepa or Orobo? Bro Titus, Do you want a woman with stretch marks? Facial hair? Are you attracted  to women with muscles or k-legs? Do you want a woman who snores  or the one who farts in her sleep‘. OK you want a woman who snores. Aunty charity from our church choir is your missing rib’! 

I have overheard my sister’s conversation with her friend  where she said ‘Rosemary, so  common boyfriend you don’t  have at your age. Are you sure  your village people haven’t cursed you? Give me time to see if I can  hook you up with  some single men I know  but tell me, do you like importers or exporters? Do you want a man with Flat or spiral head? fat or Slim, business man or office worker? afo beer or afo indomie? oh you like afo beer(protruding stomach) . Bro Cletus our church driver  is the man for you!’. 

Our family business resumed this year with a client who is a friend of my sister’s. He is a Nigerian man based in spain. My Sis told me he had houses everywhere, on land, air and on sea.  I heard he had fleet of cars. I heard he was dark, tall,   handsome, God fearing and that he recently flew to Dubai to take a selfie.  what? 

The more my sis told me about him, the more he appeared like my perfect  portion in the land of the living. I could swear he was my missing rib. My Mr Right. My Eminado. All I had for him was love love love. I was already wearing imaginary wedding gown. I  imagined it was our wedding day in Dubai, and lots of Celebrities were in attendance. I saw Toke Makinwa,  Tonto Dikeh, Tiwa savage and her husband. I noticed  Linda Ikeji was staring fixedly at my husband so I covered him with the blood of my unconditional love. I heard Adesua whisper to Banky W ‘#BAAD2017 would have made more sense in Dubai o’.  I saw my beautiful  blog visitors sitted like angels shedding tears of joy. I heard one of them say ‘oh peace, it was just like yesterday when you wanted to be a babalawo. look at you now!‘. I also saw the gender-confused Bobrisky taking selfies everywhere, barking his usual osshhheyy baddest!!  At my own wedding? I was thinking of the closest Arabian prison to dump him when the priest beckoned on us to kiss  ‘you may kiss now kiss as man and wife!’.  We were busy kissing Arabian, French and Spanish  when my Sister’s hoarse voice broke the  heavens  ‘the only problem is that the man is 55years old’.

Fifty whaattt’???  At this point, I was back to reality.

I said he is 55years old naw’. 

Wait pls!  Do you mean  55 months or 55years’? I asked as all my tissues, organs, intestines Intertwined. Peace you have just kissed your ancestor! abomination! 

I unhesitatingly started to take everything back. The Spanish kiss, the Arabian wedding. I started re-directing my imaginations. He was my ancestor. My father’s age mate. peace how could you! No wonder aunty Linda Ikeja was staring at him because they were almost age mates and he was supposed to be marrying her and not me! 

I asked my sister to quickly  hook him up with her old friends as 55 is not a friendly age.  I pleaded  with her to reveal his age first before trying to entice them with all his earthly possessions, so they don’t end up like me who divorced him on our imaginary wedding day. 

After about 2 futile weeks of wife hunting for the old man, my Sis got a call that there was this ancestral cousin of ours who wasn’t married, aged 35. She sent her pictures to my Sis who sent them to the man. The old man texted 5mins later to say he didn’t like her. he said she was too old and he would prefer a light skinned girl.  You see why this man won’t make heaven? He is old but doesn’t want another person to be old.  A typical case of kettle calling pot black. At age 55,grand daddy still thinks he has a choice. 

Yesterday , my sister jumped into my room and said ‘peace o, but you are light skinned and you still young. Don’t you think you should….. ‘

 ‘I should what’?  I shouted with the voice of  a thousand generation. Thank goodness we  don’t live close to third mainland bridge. I would have pushed her inside the water so she would tell the Marmiwaters there that they were light skinned too. 

Let’s say I decide to marry this grand dad now. Which mouth will I use to call my father’s age mate baby, darling, honey and sugar pie?  Isn’t that an abomination? the kind of abomination that  makes amadioha demand 18bags of rice, 18bags of beans,16 ostrich eggs and 1human head?  Talking about workshops, how am i sure his own can perform 21st century wonders biko. We are no longer  in the 19th century When missionary was the order of the day!  I don’t need someone shouting my back o! my waist o! when the proper marathon hasn’t even started.  20minutes  later he’ll start to bleat like a goat that just climbed Mount Everest. Soon,  he starts  shaking and 2mins later, he  gives up the ghost even before giving up the much anticipated PS!. Lord have mercy! 

 I don’t know the reason African men prefer to marry when they are old. You will see a 35 years old man telling you he’s single and searching. Searching for what?   The fact that we ladies  say we want mature men doesn’t mean we want  to marry our ancestors. We love to marry  you young. We want someone that will grow old with us not someone who already bought his first class aging ticket before Jesus turned water into wine. That man would have been my husband now but just negodu! I never prayed to marry a man 10years older than me. 5years is the max age difference I can accept. I cannot go out with you and be answering the ‘is he your father’ question. No way! 

 What about you ladies, does age matter to you? And to you men, why do you wait for the second coming of Jesus before you get married? 

PS: To all the ladies reading this, there is a marriage offer opened to light skinned young girls. The man as you know is just 55years old. If you interested, send your name and pictures to… Do not be discouraged. Age they say, is just a number!

The holiday season… 

Somehow, for some unknown reasons, everyone I spoke with within the holiday season kept saying ‘peace you must be in the village by now’,  ‘peace how’s the village treating you?’. Like really?  why the so much association  with the village Biko? Am i the one holding my village people’s destiny? Why was everyone expecting me to spend my holiday in the village?

Why wasn’t anyone expecting me to spend it in other places like Dubai, America, Zanzibar or even Paris? Why must it be the village?  How on earth did I fit to cast for the Nollywood movie titled  ‘Peace the village girl, just how? 

On the 23rd of December, since we had closed for the year at my office, i went to visit a friend around yaba but was stuck in mushin as the dearth of  fuel made it almost impossible to get a vehicle. After I stood for 2hrs reciting psalm 121, yet no help came forth, I humbly carried myself to mount a bike like everyone else. 

I had  bid price with a bikeman but he said he needed a 2nd passenger unless I wanted to pay for 2seats. I told him I had chairs at home and his bike was not my parlour. In split seconds, we saw a man who was headed same direction. I liked the fact that he was really slim so enough space was guaranteed on the bike.  I mounted first and he followed. We got comfortably sitted with space on every corner but the bike man refused to move. When we asked him to move,  he said I had to shift closer to him before he could  start his bike. He said he wanted to feel me and if I didn’t get closer, his bike wouldn’t start. It was  obvious the bikeman wanted some boobs but exactly when did my  boobs become an engine to help his bike start? I thought I could defend my  boobs but before I could give a speech on how my boobs were strictly for my future kids and the future bearded baby of the house, he asked me to get down as he wasn’t interested in carrying me anymore. Really? Brothers & Sisters! Is it by force to give my boobs to a bike man  for him to use as pillow?

 I came down and watched as other bikers begged him to forgive me  for apparently refusing to give him my hard earned boobs. However, none of them volunteered  to carry me b/cos I was the sister who was stingy with her natural pillows.

 After a while, I  got another bike. The bike man got his 2nd passenger, a fifty-something year old  man with all the bellies in the world. When I sat and the man with his belly sat behind me, i felt claustrophobic. It was so tight that I felt somethings protruding from him and hitting me on my waist. With me sitted between a bike man who was resting on my boobs and a full bellied man whose stuff was hitting on me,  how best could a threesome be possibly defined? At the time of the illicit  hitting, I wanted to turn to ask him which part of his body was hitting me between his stomach and the other stuff so if after two weeks i started to vomit,  I would know he was responsible.

 At some point where my conscience pricked me to think the man was innocent and could be a pastor, evangelist or a chosen Mopol, our bikeman jammed the brakes while on high-speed which made the man’s stuff hit me harder and he sexily moaned  ‘ooooooohhhhhhhh’. -you know, like the oohhhhh baby don’t stop kind of thing. I pinched myself and said ‘peace you are hallucinating due to that porn you watched 5years ago. It’s not real. This man is a harmless old man’!  Just few minutes I had convinced myself that he was innocent, our bikeman jammed the brakes again and this old man made thesame ‘ooooooohhhhhhhh’. That was when I knew the man had spiritually reached orgasm  the 2nd time  and unfortunately, a baby girl like me was the object of imaginary fornication.  I had to shift closer to the bikeman as I preferred to give all my boobs to a bikeman than get pregnant for a man old enough to be my grand dad. Even though there was no physical penetration, who knew what happened spiritually?

When the man noticed  I had shifted and his stuff wasn’t hitting my softs, he grievously said, ‘the world is collapsing!… Oh no!..’  Grand daddy!  Why won’t the world collapse? Of cos, there is no hope for a third Orgasm! Until now, I’m still looking for a priest to confess this unintentional sin to. Incase you know a priest,pls make the confession on my behalf . Thank you! 

On the very much celebrated 25th, I went to the movies. I was skeptical the wedding  party 2 would wow me  b/cos of the bad reviews it had online so I planned to watch pitch perfect 3 but due to my late arrival, the wedding party 2 became my best bet. After seeing the wedding party 2, I know I will;

  • Have my wedding in Dubai oh yes! 
  • Ask the man who proposes to me If it was a mistake or he was for real
  • Tell critics to STFU as the movie isn’t as bad as reviewed. 

After I left the cinema, I went to an eatery  to  get sharwama, but little did I know that Nigerians made their sharwamas with pepper soup ingredients. i was drinking water after each  bite and with all the tears gathered in my eyes, I missed Benin Republic. You see, of the few things these Beninese are good at, making tasteful sharwama tops the list. 

Just Yesterday, I went to the ATM  to withdraw 2k from my 4k account and this man walked up to me. I noticed how Harmattan had dried his black  lips and also his Ameri-igbotic accent.

Him : Yo pretty, you Nigerian?.

Me: (clears throat to notify my British accent soliders) I am! 

Him: you know I don’t stay here and I’m just getting back from overseas but nna Mehn, My car is over there and I’d wona give u a bumpy ride to your destination … Bad gal? 

Me: (At the mention of bumpy ride, I remembered my awful threesome experience) no thanks,i prefer keke napep.

Him: baby, I would wona get ur fucking number. I would have given you mine but nna, it’s an Int’l number mehn. Over there, we don’t Fucking store numbers in our fucking heads mehn. 

I collected his China phone and imprinted my +229 country code which is for my whatsapp. He saw it and exclaimed ‘nna Mehn! gosh! I knew u didn’t live here motherfucker. So tell me, were you in the U. S, Spain, Germany,Australia,paris’  …..and when he mentioned london, I smiled and shyly nodded. If only he knew +229 was Benin Republic country code.  he later texted and out of curiosity, I went to google his +86 country code, Lo and behold! It was China! Why are Aba boys like this? I am asking b/cos it’s only an Aba boy that will go to China and come back with an American accent!

Anyways,  that has been it so far. It’s 2018 & I dedicate this year to improving my spiritual life, reading more books, writing more and my NYSC.  I believe in setting realistic goals and letting other  things fall in place. 2018 is definitely a great year for us all and I can’t help but get excited. so share with us. did you spend your holiday in your village? how did you spend it and what are you dedicating your 2018 to?