‘Peace, take heart you hear’, it’s not the end of world’. ‘Don’t cry o. This one you’re already blinking unapologetically like an albino’. ‘hmm peace, could this be your village people or is this the will of God for your life?’ ‘Peace as long as there’s life, there’s hope. just go, maybe you’l find your husband there’.
All These were what I got as consolations after I painfully broke the news of my deployment to Plateau state. Believe me, breaking that news was the hardest thing I had ever done asides forcing out strong poop from my very compact anus.
Related: This thing doesn’t want to come out
Remember In my post guess who’s back, I had ranted basically about how some kind of spiritual hunger possessed me into choosing 2 northern states for my Nysc orientation program? Truth is, somewhere at the back of my mind, I was sure I wouldn’t be deployed to any of those northern states. Why so? Days after I had registered and was wallowing in self pity, I got in contact with a man I believed was sent to me by God after he must have been solely baptized by Angel Gabriel.
He promised to offer me direct posting to any state of my choice. I told him my placenta was buried in Lagos so I needed to serve in Lagos. He said he would help me, provided I paid him some thousands of Naira. I concurred. Anything to save my not-too-flattering ass from melting in the very scorching and conniving Northern sun. I convinced my family into giving me the money & after I had made payment & sent my Nysc reg details to that man, I started wearing invisible shoulder pads everywhere I went. You should have seen me. I was too proud to be true. I’d be shouting Corper weeee, waaaa waaaa waaaa up and down like an electrocuted she-goat.
Brethren, I didn’t stop bragging. I didn’t stop talking about being a Lagos Corper. In commercial vehicles, people be arguing the reasons Buhari didn’t deserve a 2nd term and I’d be using almighty formula to teach them the 99.9 merits of being a Lagos Corper. My sis would send me to the market & Instead of focusing on the okporoko(stock fish) I was sent to buy, I’d start a rambling speech, promising the market women that I’d renovate the entire market when I finally become a Lagos Corper. Pls you people should ask me when nysc became a governorship campaign. My shoulder pads never lost an ounce of rigidity and on Several occasions , I’d pick up my phone, go to my whatsapp status to write stuff like ‘Ajuwaya!! Corper weeee o ‘ Eko o ni baje o. ‘Lagos Corper loading 96%. if you’re sure you’l be a Lagos Corper do like this☝ so we’d count ourselves…please if you are not sure of your Lagos status, kindly wrinkle that finger b4 I chop it off’!. luckily, for some reason, whenever I was a click away from uploading that, something I’d like to call the hand of God would touch me & i’d wipe it off.
So i was snuggling with my pillow one unresolved morning when my friend and all time informant since versity days called to tell me the
American visa call up letter was out. I sprang up like a mad woman who just gained sanity, logged into my dashboard, saw something that looked like Plateau State, logged out and went to wash my face. After that, I went to God in prayer. I can’t remember how many Holy Ghost fire i imported from heaven that morning. With that fire, I had imaginerily burnt up my village people who were trying to follow me, I had burnt down my dashboard and had wiped all the generations of P.l.a.t.e.a.u that had come to dwell on my dashboard. After successfully burning up everything, I started speaking in tongues. There was nothing I didn’t do. I went as far as indulging in an imaginary 40 days dry fasting on the spot. I kept reminding God about his word in Matthew 7:7.. ‘God I asked for Lagos. why am I seeing something that looks like Plateau’?.dear lord from Lagos to plateau State is approximately 24hrs journey by road. Lord of my destiny! that wasn’t our agreement. Pls I’l be going back to my dashboard in 5minutes. Pls Lord, instruct your Angels to use their correction pen to make neccessary corrections and let your name be praised . Amen’.
Minutes later I went to my dashboard and unlike before, ‘Plateau’ was more conspicuous as if the person who wrote it before came back to add extra ink. I felt oxygen jilt my nostrils & chills all over my body. Sweaty palms. Stiffened legs. Too many calls were coming in from people who seemed to be curious upon thesame thing ‘peace have you checked your dashboard? Did you get Lagos as you affirmed? I replied by telling them I couldn’t access my dashboard resulting from bad network at my end & when I heard ‘send me your login let me check it for you’. I would hang up, never to pick again. At some point my stomach started to rumble. my anus eagerly wanted to ease tension so I rushed to the toilet, and then purged uncontrollably. As I purged, I cried. I cried not primarily bcoz I was deployed to Plateau but the fact that I had prided myself all along as a Lagos Corper. How exactly do I face the world now?
I got out of the toilet and my sister was standing by the door like the stench of my poop was her biggest inspiration. She asked me if I had checked my dashboard and I murmured ‘yes I have. I saw something that looked like Plateau’. She immediately placed all members of our family on a conference call to tell them how I had wasted the family’s money on a direct posting to Lagos but was eventually thrown to Kafanchan . I didn’t even wait to hear the last of it. I went to my room, picked my phone and addressed a text to the man who swindled me. I wrote thus;
‘Mr Cletus. By the time you’d get this text, Amadioha must have written your name in his book of life. so Mr Cletus all this while, you were acting as a middle man btwn my village people and I yet you deceived me into believing you were sent from God. My God will punish you. The punishment he will give you will come in episodes and by his Grace, all your kids will be deployed to Chad when their time comes. I give you 2secs 1min to refund my money else, I’l invoke amadioha to give you blow job. Wicked man’!
I drafted that text and broke more in tears. I placed a call to him instead, telling him my predicament & how disappointed I was. He apologized & promised to work out a redeployment for me. Wrapping up the call, he said, ‘ but Peace you know Plateau is like London. That place is cold o & it even snows there. Maybe this is how God is trying to prepare you for the big abroad’. I hung up and even though I tried to see light at the end of the tunnel, I felt betrayed. Everyone had betrayed me including you my blog readers bcoz y’all obviously didn’t pray for me despite how much I begged for it . I thought we were a family!
In the end, it was just me,God and plateau. Some Friends and loved ones called to sympathize. Others paid me condolence visit. Some laughed at me. Some already gave me northern baptismal names while the rest used my story to teach kids on the topic ‘pride comes before a fall’. On the deal day, I muffled up my hopes in the hem of God’s garment and with every step I took to the airport, Mr Cletus words became my utmost assurance. I would hit my hand on my Chest and say to myself ‘but Peace, you know jos is like London. That place is very cold o. It even snows there. Maybe this is God trying to prepare you for the big abroad or maybe, just maybe, you’l find your husband there’.