Camp guys are not husband material!

Few nights  after our swearing in, I heard someone say she overheard  another person say the son of some state governor was also camping with us in Plateau. I smiled and thanked God for the gift of ears that could hear and went to bed. I had to refrain myself from imagining anything. I didn’t  trust my imaginations anymore, not after that plane incident. When my subconscious wants to do like it wants to travel to Dubai to buy ring, I would caution myself with ‘peace! peace! how many times did I call you,dont waste money yet’. Even though I didn’t want wild imaginations, I had to clench to possibilities.   The next morning as at 3a.m, the resounding  bugle had woken us to get ready for the usual morning drill. That was one of the few days I made up my mind to go for morning parade. I never went. I dodged it almost all the time. I was either  hiding inside the very dirty toilets or  inside someone’s cupboard or  fearlessly lying in my bed . And when the soldiers roared and chased corpers out to the parade ground, I’d tell them I was sick inside my head and if I went out, I could run mad.  It was a lame lie, but for some reason they believed  me. I hate to think they believed me  becoz I looked naturally mad to them.  

Related :I came, I saw and I conquered (1)

So, that morning I carried my bucket to go get hot water as Plateau was freezing cold & hot water was sold for 50naira. I had gotten to the spot I would get the water, and then saw a fine male Corper also wanting to get hot water. Seeing a ‘fine’ male Corper in Plateau camp was strange and unusual so I was thrilled. What if he was the governor’s son? I didn’t know if I was just too patriotic or I was too eager to get noticed when I started singing the national anthem with legs at ease. 

  ‘Corper wee ( parlance 4 greeting a fellow Corper), I can see your morale is high’. He said. 

 From his thick accent, I deduced he was igbo. Could he be anambra  state governor’s son? Imo? Maybe Enugu. I blushed 

Yes o, my morale is always very high in the morning’.  I replied..

 We were getting along until it was time to pay for hot water. Uncle had given the lady 500naira and was given a refund of 450.  It got to my turn to pay then i realised i had left my waist pouch containing all my money & earthly possessions on my bed. He asked what the problem was & after I explained the situation to the supposed governor’s son, uncle said ‘you have to go and bring your waist pouch naw, always walk around with it. leave your bucket here and go..its not far.i would have paid for you but 50naira is too small. I will see you later you hear, peaceful peace I heard you are redeploying. But baby i’ll miss you o.  won’t you give me your number?’. Really uncle??? Common 50naira?   Pls, where exactly  is that fish that swallowed Jonah? Some people certainly need to be swallowed!   

Related: I came, I saw and I conquered (2)

 One hazy afternoon, I was seated at the front porch of the multi purpose hall receiving northern  breeze after a strenous afternoon parade. I didn’t know how my day was going as I had mistakenly used my pooing bucket to take my bath. yeah, I did that 😰. Poo bucket is a bucket I got to do my personal poo business in. I usually would get a bucket to poo in whenever I have to share toilet with a lot of pple cos of my fear 4 infections. So when I got to camp, I bought two black buckets. One for bathing and the other for what you already know. I usually kept the buckets away 4rm each other underneath my bed but somehow, I managed to use the one I had been using to poo to fetch the water I used to bath that morning. Pls don’t judge me😟

 I wasn’t done perceiving strands of hair on my body when one male Corper walked up to me. ‘baby you are fine o,this one  you siddon like model, are you miss nysc?’.  He was height zero. Prolly won’t see my kneecaps if I stood. His head should weigh 599.9kg approximately 600kg. Lips were out-standing,mighty and possessive. Almost covering up the whole of his face. I was sure I had seen him twice or thrice before. Queuing with his very big cooler to collect his share of watery beans and pap. Be4 I could heave a sigh of dissatisfaction, he said ‘I like your nostrils, it is pointed’. My fellow human beings, have you ever seen pointed nostrils?

 I acted like a child of God & remained calm. I didn’t walk out. I didn’t ask Amadioha to give him blow job neither did I ask the ground to swallow him. Uncle must have thought I wasn’t  getting enough of him when he asked for my number. ‘I don’t have a phone’ I said while fiddling with my damned infinix  phone.

 ‘ So who is the owner of the one you’r holding’? 

‘ it belongs to my grandmother’s uncle’. I replied 

After few minutes of silence, Uncle  said, ‘okay,  don’t worry. I will buy you iphone x.’ I looked into his eyes to see if i could trust his words, but before I could get any vision about him, his phone rang from his waist pouch & when he brought it out, I beheld  the most ancient model of Nokia torch light in the history of homo sapiens. It had about 10 rubber bands fastened around it to keep it’s spirit, soul &  body from falling off. Other female Corpers who watched the whole drama burst into laughter. I was ashmed. Telling Amadioha to possess him would be a grave insult on Amadioha & already possessed Nigerians so i simply walked out hoping in my next life I’d meet him to give him the strokes of cane he deserves.

All these kind of  guys, you’d meet in camp and even worst. I remember  one time i ticked meal tickets. That was the only thing I did in camp asides dodging In and out and taking photos of people with very funny khaki like thisπŸ‘‡

Anyways, in camp, your Meal  ticket is quite indispensable as you’d be needing it for couple of stuff like collecting your kitchen food and collecting the small tips you’d be paid while in camp. Without it, you’r not getting kitchen  food, and then if your meal ticket isn’t ticked,  means you haven’t had food for that hour of the day. In essence, you have right to collect kitchen food as many as 10times as far as your meal ticket isn’t ticked. 

Girls, you needed to see how these guys you call your MCM were begging me not to tick their meal tickets so they could come back with a deeper cooler for another round of beans and yam. There was no pet name they didn’t call me. Mummy, lollipop,yellow Berry, pom pom, biscuit bone. Just to convince me. It got to the turn of  this 50-something-year old man Corper and as I was about ticking his ticket, he said ‘My daughter, don’t tick my ticket. This one spoon of beans you people are serving cannot satisfy me.  Look into my eyes, am i not your father’s Agemate? Daddy! You’re my father’s Agemate but didn’t the Bible tell us that man must not live by bread alone?  Daddy, do you even read your Bible? 

I believed karma was really a b*tch when i saw that supposed governor’s son who couldn’t spare me 50naira, queuing in front of me. I overheard him tell his cohorts I was his babe and he was sure I wouldn’t tick his ticket. It got to his turn and  i turned to ask the food coordinator if I could use a permanent marker to tick his b/cos pen wasn’t just enough. He looked surprised. Said he couldn’t believe i would do that to him, but Isn’t he lucky i’m not the one ticking out names from the book of life? 

Dear prospective female Corp members, know that in camp, when that male Corper who’s  been checking you out under the sun and  in the rain finally walks up to you, the first question he would ask you b4 asking your name or life history  would be ‘Corper weee,  are you redeploying?  

If you are the type that likes awof (free food),  then the minute you enter that Prison camp  gate, never tell any guy you are redeploying even if you are.  If he asks you a thousand times in 77 dialects, reply him in Chinese and say ‘no! I’m not redeploying! I will be here with you’

Don’t be like me who announced her redeployment more than John the Baptist announced the coming of Jesus! During my first few days in camp,  redeployment was my middle name. I told everyone about my intentions to redeploy.  If anyone said Corper wee to me  I’d reply with ‘ redeployment Corper waa’.  Whenever Mr Cletus called to get my state code and update me on my redeployment . I’d howl out the content of our conversation. As if that wasn’t enough,  i’d turn  to the Corper closest to me and say ‘My Uncle who works with nysc just called. He is helping me redeploy to Lagos’.

  It was towards the end I realised  the reason I could never convince any male Corper to do my bills at marmi market was bcoz of my redeployment. Those camp guys will not buy you food or pure water if you tell them you are redeploying. They don’t want to sow what they won’t harvest!  They cannot be nice to you until they are sure you’r spending the rest of the miserable one year of service with them in that state!

On the last day of camp when corpers were assigned their primary place of assignments and redeployment letters given to others plus me, A lot of  guys swum in tears. I overheard one lamenting to his friend ‘you remember Anita? That girl that finished all my money in marmi market? Do you know that girl redeployed to Lagos? I swear to God she isn’t going anywhere. She must vomit all the money I spent on her.  Another  guy I eavesdropped on was like ‘Chioma God will punish you. Why didn’t you tell me you planned to redeploy? How do you plan to  pay me back for all that suya I bought you’? 

 That is the way it is in camp. Nothing goes for  nothing. That male Corper following you up and down like housefly is not your missing rib!  Camp is not a place for you to fall in love! Those guys won’t love you like Romeo. They won’t let you eat their money and run away. They are not father Christmas. If you know you can’t outwit these guys & go free on the last day then just admit you’re redeploying & do your bills yourself!  if you let them spend on you, and you don’t  have intentions of paying back one way or the other, they will ambush you and beat daylight Outta you! Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Don’t start travelling to Dubai to buy ring on credit when one who looks like Anthony Joshua winks at you. Those camp guys are mean! Las Las, They  are not original  husband material! 

Advertisements

56 Comments Add yours

  1. Danny says:

    “You have to go and bring your waist pouch naw, always walk around with it. leave your bucket here and go..its not far” hahaha… The guy is wicked.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Nigerian guys are like that…

      Like

    2. cliquetalk says:

      Nigerian guys are like that

      Like

  2. Reblogged this on CafΓ© avec Twali and commented:
    This is the first time I’m reblogging a post & its a pleasure to be doing so for my beautiful blogger friend, Peace. I read this story & couldn’t help bursting out laughing so hard I almost had an asthma attack. Read on to see what I mean & enjoy yourself! πŸ˜…

    Like

    1. cliquetalk says:

      You won’t know how much I love you ….thanks babe❀❀

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Girl I’ve missed you!!! Ahahahahaha the Nokia phone with 10 rubber bands. Omg that almost had me on the floor!! Goodness! I believe you should write a Memoir on your dating life. I swear it will be a best seller! πŸ˜…β€

    Liked by 2 people

    1. lolyneongeri says:

      Hahahah, girl, he needs a lot of beatings now, don’t wait for your next life…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. cliquetalk says:

        I know right?
        Let me go search for him

        Thanks for visiting girl❀

        Like

    2. cliquetalk says:

      πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
      I have missed you too babe. I thought you abandoned me as I haven’t found my way to Kenya yet… 😘😘

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Emma says:

    So glad i kind your blog … kept me laughing throughout !!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Thanks Emma…
      I’m glad you visited 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Try Bright says:

    πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    Can’t stop laughingπŸ˜‚
    Keep the good work honey

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Lol… Thanks bright

      Like

  6. Hahahaha, the part where you met this 50 something year old man, killed me right there πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚, but seriously na 1 million naira if you marry corper ooo, 500k for each of you, are you sure you won’t consider engaging one… just a thought

    Like

    1. cliquetalk says:

      That’s how one Corper told me to marry him so that we would receive the 1 million. Only that he would gimme a hundred thousand and then take the 9hundred thousand… See abomination!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Now That’s fully grown corruption, and I thought our generation had hope πŸ™ƒ

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Precious Chinenye says:

    hahahahha, im really done with this gir for real>

    corper weee, redeployment waaaa
    youre a handful abeg
    just be going

    Like

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Lol.. Precious the feeling is mutual.. You are more than a handful

      Like

  8. Yemi says:

    Lol..this lady though. You sure would be getting an award soon for your witty posts. I only wish you be more consistent ..just saying

    Like

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Lol.. I’m Working towards consistency.. Thanks for thinking I could win something ❀

      Like

  9. Susan says:

    Omg!! I’m utterly speechless…but then who goes to camp to look for husband material nahhh ? Only peace !

    Like

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Lol Not me o… I was just observing..dahs all😁

      Like

    2. cliquetalk says:

      Not me o.. I was just observing… Dahs all😁

      Like

  10. Angel says:

    That guy that cannot pay common #50naira is from aba.that’s how they like to act. Smh

    Like

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Lol
      It’s Angel that knows he’s AbaπŸ™ŒπŸ™Œ
      Please leave our aba brothers alone o

      Like

  11. Browny says:

    Wow
    This post got me laughing so hardπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
    Nice write up. The part where you were accessing the short guy, my GodπŸ˜€

    Like

    1. Susan says:

      Lol..the out-standing lips…I could only imagine..

      Like

    2. cliquetalk says:

      Lol.. I’m glad you laughed
      Thanks for visiting Browny😊

      Like

  12. Nakas says:

    πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚ see me laughing like someone that’s not OK. πŸ˜‚ height zero? Why??😭

    Like

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Lol. If you ask me who will I ask?

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Nneka says:

    πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ˜…πŸ˜… my dear not all camps o. Come to lagos. Allwaie was paid that dah guys spent it that same day on ladies that will deny them d next morning.

    Wait! U used ur poo bucket to bath😯😯. Im so judging u. But not on this comment sectionπŸ˜ƒ.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Lagos Camp😭😭…you see why I wanted to camp in Lagos?
      Dammit!
      Pls don’t judge me..it could hv been anyone πŸ˜₯

      Like

  14. Bella says:

    πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚ πŸ˜‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      She’s speechless lol

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Bella says:

        I swear! Speechless! 🀣 the N50 naira part got me

        Liked by 1 person

      2. cliquetalk says:

        The strange part is, I always meet these kind of people.. I’m tired😒 I think I need to pray more

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Bella says:

        Variety is the spice of life! πŸ˜† I think each category of people we meet have a phase, this one will soon pass, the better people phase is next, seriously.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. cliquetalk says:

        So Adesua Etomi went through this same phase before landing Banky W abi? OK
        Chioma serving us assurance goals driving porch upandan went through this same phase before landing Davido? Ok
        I’m believing God for a miracle πŸ™

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Bella says:

        Yes now, if you ask them i’m sure they’ll say same πŸ˜† it’s a miracle season!

        Like

  15. Chance says:

    I luv this lady alot. U sabi write. I enjoyed me self

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Hehe.. Thanks for reading and dropping ur feedback..i appreciate 😊

      Like

  16. Chance says:

    It’s all man for himself. Oyo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Now I know better

      Like

  17. Debs says:

    Peace! You have turned me to a mess on my seat, I am just here laughing like an idiot. Your sense of writing is amazing! Chai, you should have still sent Amadioha still jo.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Lool.. Thanks so much Debs..❀ hope your colleagues weren’t looking at you like you needed to be tied or something lol
      PS:Amadioha was on vacation

      Liked by 1 person

  18. It was an awesome experience… You should leave camp boys alone…guys with outstanding lips🀣🀣 makes a good husband material .. you should give it a try πŸ˜‹πŸ˜‹.. fun posts too❀❀.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Lol. I’m sure you have girls in your village that’d love out-standing lips😁

      Like

  19. Austine Cj says:

    You were busy taking pictures of people with funny khaki. This gal you ill like trouble well well. I can’t just stop laughing. Your write-up can cure HBP.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Trust me those pictures were worth the taking πŸ˜‚
      Then, kindly recommend this blog to anyone who wants to prevent and cure HBP πŸ’–

      Liked by 1 person

  20. jBH says:

    Listen to me!!!! You dare not stop this NYSC posts ooo…please, dont coman kill my lifeline to sanity here, lol
    And those brothers, my dear…….all I have to say is WAAAAAAHHH!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Lol
      I’ll drop nysc posts randomly from time to time.😊
      PS :been trying to access your blog to no avail…..??

      Like

  21. Anon says:

    Lwkmmm..pls shift let me faint o..hahaha..50# is too Small to pay??????

    Liked by 1 person

    1. cliquetalk says:

      Haha
      Wait, lemme shift.. The space is all yours now.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s