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Camp guys are not husband material!

Few nights  after our swearing in, I heard someone say she overheard  another person say the son of some state governor was also camping with us in Plateau. I smiled and thanked God for the gift of ears that could hear and went to bed. I had to refrain myself from imagining anything. I didn’t  trust my imaginations anymore, not after that plane incident. When my subconscious wants to do like it wants to travel to Dubai to buy ring, I would caution myself with ‘peace! peace! how many times did I call you,dont waste money yet’. Even though I didn’t want wild imaginations, I had to clench to possibilities.   The next morning as at 3a.m, the resounding  bugle had woken us to get ready for the usual morning drill. That was one of the few days I made up my mind to go for morning parade. I never went. I dodged it almost all the time. I was either  hiding inside the very dirty toilets or  inside someone’s cupboard or  fearlessly lying in my bed . And when the soldiers roared and chased corpers out to the parade ground, I’d tell them I was sick inside my head and if I went out, I could run mad.  It was a lame lie, but for some reason they believed  me. I hate to think they believed me  becoz I looked naturally mad to them.  

Related :I came, I saw and I conquered (1)

So, that morning I carried my bucket to go get hot water as Plateau was freezing cold & hot water was sold for 50naira. I had gotten to the spot I would get the water, and then saw a fine male Corper also wanting to get hot water. Seeing a ‘fine’ male Corper in Plateau camp was strange and unusual so I was thrilled. What if he was the governor’s son? I didn’t know if I was just too patriotic or I was too eager to get noticed when I started singing the national anthem with legs at ease. 

  ‘Corper wee ( parlance 4 greeting a fellow Corper), I can see your morale is high’. He said. 

 From his thick accent, I deduced he was igbo. Could he be anambra  state governor’s son? Imo? Maybe Enugu. I blushed 

Yes o, my morale is always very high in the morning’.  I replied..

 We were getting along until it was time to pay for hot water. Uncle had given the lady 500naira and was given a refund of 450.  It got to my turn to pay then i realised i had left my waist pouch containing all my money & earthly possessions on my bed. He asked what the problem was & after I explained the situation to the supposed governor’s son, uncle said ‘you have to go and bring your waist pouch naw, always walk around with it. leave your bucket here and go..its not far.i would have paid for you but 50naira is too small. I will see you later you hear, peaceful peace I heard you are redeploying. But baby i’ll miss you o.  won’t you give me your number?’. Really uncle??? Common 50naira?   Pls, where exactly  is that fish that swallowed Jonah? Some people certainly need to be swallowed!   

Related: I came, I saw and I conquered (2)

 One hazy afternoon, I was seated at the front porch of the multi purpose hall receiving northern  breeze after a strenous afternoon parade. I didn’t know how my day was going as I had mistakenly used my pooing bucket to take my bath. yeah, I did that 😰. Poo bucket is a bucket I got to do my personal poo business in. I usually would get a bucket to poo in whenever I have to share toilet with a lot of pple cos of my fear 4 infections. So when I got to camp, I bought two black buckets. One for bathing and the other for what you already know. I usually kept the buckets away 4rm each other underneath my bed but somehow, I managed to use the one I had been using to poo to fetch the water I used to bath that morning. Pls don’t judge me😟

 I wasn’t done perceiving strands of hair on my body when one male Corper walked up to me. ‘baby you are fine o,this one  you siddon like model, are you miss nysc?’.  He was height zero. Prolly won’t see my kneecaps if I stood. His head should weigh 599.9kg approximately 600kg. Lips were out-standing,mighty and possessive. Almost covering up the whole of his face. I was sure I had seen him twice or thrice before. Queuing with his very big cooler to collect his share of watery beans and pap. Be4 I could heave a sigh of dissatisfaction, he said ‘I like your nostrils, it is pointed’. My fellow human beings, have you ever seen pointed nostrils?

 I acted like a child of God & remained calm. I didn’t walk out. I didn’t ask Amadioha to give him blow job neither did I ask the ground to swallow him. Uncle must have thought I wasn’t  getting enough of him when he asked for my number. ‘I don’t have a phone’ I said while fiddling with my damned infinix  phone.

 ‘ So who is the owner of the one you’r holding’? 

‘ it belongs to my grandmother’s uncle’. I replied 

After few minutes of silence, Uncle  said, ‘okay,  don’t worry. I will buy you iphone x.’ I looked into his eyes to see if i could trust his words, but before I could get any vision about him, his phone rang from his waist pouch & when he brought it out, I beheld  the most ancient model of Nokia torch light in the history of homo sapiens. It had about 10 rubber bands fastened around it to keep it’s spirit, soul &  body from falling off. Other female Corpers who watched the whole drama burst into laughter. I was ashmed. Telling Amadioha to possess him would be a grave insult on Amadioha & already possessed Nigerians so i simply walked out hoping in my next life I’d meet him to give him the strokes of cane he deserves.

All these kind of  guys, you’d meet in camp and even worst. I remember  one time i ticked meal tickets. That was the only thing I did in camp asides dodging In and out and taking photos of people with very funny khaki like this👇

Anyways, in camp, your Meal  ticket is quite indispensable as you’d be needing it for couple of stuff like collecting your kitchen food and collecting the small tips you’d be paid while in camp. Without it, you’r not getting kitchen  food, and then if your meal ticket isn’t ticked,  means you haven’t had food for that hour of the day. In essence, you have right to collect kitchen food as many as 10times as far as your meal ticket isn’t ticked. 

Girls, you needed to see how these guys you call your MCM were begging me not to tick their meal tickets so they could come back with a deeper cooler for another round of beans and yam. There was no pet name they didn’t call me. Mummy, lollipop,yellow Berry, pom pom, biscuit bone. Just to convince me. It got to the turn of  this 50-something-year old man Corper and as I was about ticking his ticket, he said ‘My daughter, don’t tick my ticket. This one spoon of beans you people are serving cannot satisfy me.  Look into my eyes, am i not your father’s Agemate? Daddy! You’re my father’s Agemate but didn’t the Bible tell us that man must not live by bread alone?  Daddy, do you even read your Bible? 

I believed karma was really a b*tch when i saw that supposed governor’s son who couldn’t spare me 50naira, queuing in front of me. I overheard him tell his cohorts I was his babe and he was sure I wouldn’t tick his ticket. It got to his turn and  i turned to ask the food coordinator if I could use a permanent marker to tick his b/cos pen wasn’t just enough. He looked surprised. Said he couldn’t believe i would do that to him, but Isn’t he lucky i’m not the one ticking out names from the book of life? 

Dear prospective female Corp members, know that in camp, when that male Corper who’s  been checking you out under the sun and  in the rain finally walks up to you, the first question he would ask you b4 asking your name or life history  would be ‘Corper weee,  are you redeploying?  

If you are the type that likes awof (free food),  then the minute you enter that Prison camp  gate, never tell any guy you are redeploying even if you are.  If he asks you a thousand times in 77 dialects, reply him in Chinese and say ‘no! I’m not redeploying! I will be here with you’

Don’t be like me who announced her redeployment more than John the Baptist announced the coming of Jesus! During my first few days in camp,  redeployment was my middle name. I told everyone about my intentions to redeploy.  If anyone said Corper wee to me  I’d reply with ‘ redeployment Corper waa’.  Whenever Mr Cletus called to get my state code and update me on my redeployment . I’d howl out the content of our conversation. As if that wasn’t enough,  i’d turn  to the Corper closest to me and say ‘My Uncle who works with nysc just called. He is helping me redeploy to Lagos’.

  It was towards the end I realised  the reason I could never convince any male Corper to do my bills at marmi market was bcoz of my redeployment. Those camp guys will not buy you food or pure water if you tell them you are redeploying. They don’t want to sow what they won’t harvest!  They cannot be nice to you until they are sure you’r spending the rest of the miserable one year of service with them in that state!

On the last day of camp when corpers were assigned their primary place of assignments and redeployment letters given to others plus me, A lot of  guys swum in tears. I overheard one lamenting to his friend ‘you remember Anita? That girl that finished all my money in marmi market? Do you know that girl redeployed to Lagos? I swear to God she isn’t going anywhere. She must vomit all the money I spent on her.  Another  guy I eavesdropped on was like ‘Chioma God will punish you. Why didn’t you tell me you planned to redeploy? How do you plan to  pay me back for all that suya I bought you’? 

 That is the way it is in camp. Nothing goes for  nothing. That male Corper following you up and down like housefly is not your missing rib!  Camp is not a place for you to fall in love! Those guys won’t love you like Romeo. They won’t let you eat their money and run away. They are not father Christmas. If you know you can’t outwit these guys & go free on the last day then just admit you’re redeploying & do your bills yourself!  if you let them spend on you, and you don’t  have intentions of paying back one way or the other, they will ambush you and beat daylight Outta you! Don’t say I didn’t warn you! Don’t start travelling to Dubai to buy ring on credit when one who looks like Anthony Joshua winks at you. Those camp guys are mean! Las Las, They  are not original  husband material! 


I came, I saw and I conquered (part 2)

Click here to read/get refreshed on part 1…

I was now on board a plane to Plateau state, seated in the middle of two vacant seats and listening to the popular gospel song ‘God will make a way where there seems to be no way’. Using it to reaffirm my faith in God. I was literally having my quiet time with my Heavenly Father and was on the 5th page of my ‘why me oh God‘ speech when this pretty fine man neatly robed in well ironed tuxedo suit walked up to me asking that I excused him as he was to sit by the window. Immediately I looked into his eyes and perceived his dollar bills scent, the Angel Gabriel’s voice in my head  echoed a reminder ‘peace, maybe you’ll find your husband there’. 

That life changing Reminder triggered my adrenaline which unconsciously made me display signs of imbecility. Ostrich eyes, mouth agape and saliva enroute to drip. My basic expression whenever I saw something that looked like my portion in the land of the living. 

I made way for him, he was seated and so was i. We were now seated as a couple and even though he hadn’t declared his intentions yet, I knew at the bottom of my spinster heart that I wouldn’t leave that plane single and so, on that note, I saw myself imaginerily trekking  to Dubai to buy a 1million carat diamond engagement  ring courtesy of my husband-to-be. 

I was oblivious to other passengers who were boarding as my eyes were busy staring fixedly at my missing found rib right from the crown of his well shaped  head to the sole of his Oxford shoes. The more I looked possessively at him with the corners of my eyes and inhaled that mint money scent,  the more I was convinced on the reason my direct posting to Lagos did not work out. What was even in the Lagos? After all,  I had stayed in Lagos for twenty something years yet I never found answers to my problems not to talk of finding my missing rib. No one promised me anything not even a rubber ring so why Was I being persistent on Lagos in the first place? Plateau was my abode of testimonies  because technically, the reason the  Lord had sent me to Plateau was to make sure I found my missing rib before the end of 2018. It was the lord’s doing and it was marvelous in my sight. 

My subconscious lifted my spirit with  verses from  psalm 118 and as it recited it, I imaginerily walked up to every lady on the plane  preaching thus to them, ‘ dear sister. I don’t know you but something tells me you are single and desperately willing to mingle. I don’t know how long you’v waited on the lord but I am here today to tell you that every disappointment in your life is a blessing. I am a living witness!  If you applied for a visa to America bcoz you want to meet the likes of Anthony Joshua, Channing Tatum,  but then  a visa to Afghanistan is given to you. Don’t fright! Don’t faint! Just go there! Don’t look back, just keep going there bcoz  sister, You will find your husband there! 

After about 3minutes,  my imaginations blurred out and since it was only him and I still seated, I wanted to tell him how I had a vision in 1992 that I would meet my husband on a plane to Plateau in 2018 and how he looked exactly like the rib I had lost a long time ago, but before I could beckon on my British accent enzymes, another man who looked nothing close to my missing placenta walked towards us and sat on the isle seat.  

On sitting, he turned to me, laughed like he was from the first generation of hyenas, and then said ‘baby you are very beauriful’.  I didn’t even blink nor blush. I turned away and snapped my fingers in disgust. I mean, what kind of man was he?  Flirting with a woman right in front of her husband?  besides, was ‘beauriful’ a name of a person, animal, place or thing? 

 Soon the crew announced  our take off and barely 1sec we reached the clouds,  uncle on the isle seat started to whistle. He would poke me, and then when I turned, he would wink.  He tried tirelessly to engage me in trivial conversations and when he saw I was nonchalant, he whispered into my ears, telling me how his pastor had told him earlier this year that he would meet his missing rib on a plane and he knew I was the one bcoz immediately he set his eyes on me, something in him caught fire.  ‘That must have been your senses’-i murmured, basically doing everything within my power to avoid verbally cheating on my husband-to-be who as at the time had his eyes sexily locked to the pages of a magazine.

I was still minding my business with nostrils focused on inhaling that mint money scent when the isle seat man interrupted. ‘ baby why are you going to Plateau’? . 

They said I should go and  serve my father land there’. I answered 

As soon as my Mr right heard that, he turned to me with a face now possessed with a thousand contortions and I had thought he was about to start a poem on how his life would be incomplete without me, instead he said ‘you mean you are going to serve?.  are you even done with secondary school? 

Until now, I’m yet to get over that heartbreak. No one had ever been that evil to me. I know I have a small stature so what? Where was it written in the Bible that people with small stature cannot graduate from high school? Must i always be in primary or secondary school bcos I have a small stature? Does he even know my real age?   That means all that time I was loving, sewing asoebi, marrying, getting pregnant and giving birth to our babies in my imagination, oga was busy guessing  the type of baby diaper i used? As if the heart break wasn’t enough he went on to tell me how he felt Plateau was a good place for me to serve. He said I would enjoy the weather. He said I would meet lots of friendly people, and then  lastly he said,  ‘everything about Plateau is good. My wife and kids love it there that’s why they stay there’.

Wait! What?  wife? was he referring to me? Which kids? Was he talking about the two boys I had for him in my imagination? I was practically looking for answers to my questions when  boom! I saw an unidentified carat diamond  ring happily wrapped around his ring finger. 

You know, if I had invoked Amadioha to crash that plane, people will say I’m wicked right? That Daddy knew he was married yet he heartlessly allowed me to trek to Dubai to buy myself a ring? Why did he have to deceive me for so long? Why didn’t he tell me all those times I  wasted my 200watt green light on him? Why so heartless daddy? Daddy, if you going out tomorrow and thunder from no where strikes you down. People will say you were a good man not knowing what you had done to a child of God like me. Men! 

At that point,  all I wanted to do was  walk to the cock pit to tell the pilot to stop the plane.i wanted to alight.  i was no longer interested in the journey. I wept silently and threw a thousand curses at everyone especially Mr Cletus ,Mr Right turned wrong & the isle man that won’t let me weep in peace disturbing me with talks about his undying love for my long ears . Really?

Finally, the 1hr 10mins flight came to an end and God knows I was the first to exit that plane. I couldn’t bear any more sec with that Mr right wrong & that beauriful talkative. As soon as i got out, I felt something I’d like to call ‘London breeze’. It wasn’t the kinda breeze I was used to as a Nigerian.  It was so cold, I felt the need for a winter jacket. I was literally in the big abroad and  the first thing anyone in my shoes would do was tell it to the world so  I picked out my phone and put calls across to friends and family, speaking British. That accent came with the weather. It wasn’t intentional at all. 

 Now catwalking to the baggage claim area with my dress and  hair flying in the wind, making me feel like Beyonce ➕  Angelina Jolie compressed in one small body, I soliloquised with my second to none  British accent like  ‘Yo Peace! You gotta buy some winter jackets huh. this place be damn cold like whatttt? Hollup! Is that snow I see? Oh no.. It’s the cloud. Ha-ha…shit feels good!  they spend dollars here? Huh? Anybody? You guys spend bills here?  Maybe not.. Not yet. Honestly Peace, Mr Cletus was right you know. Nigga got the vision! God’s definitely tryna prepare your not-too-big ass for the biiig abroad.. Uh-huh. that right, Say whatttt? . 

P. S: The sequel ‘camp boys are not husband materials’ coming soon. ❤❤

..I came, I saw and I conquered.. (Nysc part1)

Peace, take heart you hear’, it’s not the end of world’. ‘Don’t cry o. This one you’re  already blinking unapologetically  like an albino’. ‘hmm peace, could this be your village people  or is this  the will of God for your life?’ ‘Peace as long as there’s life, there’s hope. just go, maybe you’l find your husband there’. 

All These were  what I got as consolations after I painfully broke the news of my deployment to Plateau state. Believe me, breaking that news  was the hardest thing I had ever done asides forcing out strong poop from my very compact anus.

Related: This thing doesn’t want to come out

Remember In my post guess who’s back, I had ranted basically about how some kind of  spiritual hunger possessed  me into choosing 2 northern states for my Nysc orientation program?  Truth is, somewhere at the back of my mind, I was sure I wouldn’t be deployed to any of those northern states. Why so? Days after I had  registered and was wallowing in self pity, I got in contact with a man I believed was sent to me by God after he must have been  solely baptized by Angel Gabriel. 

 He promised to offer me direct posting to any state of my choice.  I told him my  placenta was buried in Lagos so I needed to serve in Lagos. He said he would help me, provided I paid  him some thousands of Naira. I concurred. Anything to save my not-too-flattering ass from melting in the very scorching and conniving Northern sun. I convinced my family into giving me the money & after I had made payment & sent my Nysc reg details to that man, I started wearing invisible shoulder pads everywhere I went. You should have seen me. I was too proud to be true. I’d  be shouting Corper weeee,  waaaa waaaa waaaa up and down like an electrocuted she-goat. 

Brethren, I didn’t stop bragging. I didn’t stop talking about being a Lagos Corper. In commercial vehicles, people  be arguing  the reasons Buhari didn’t deserve a 2nd term and I’d be using almighty formula to teach them the 99.9 merits of being a Lagos Corper. My sis would send me to the market & Instead of focusing on the okporoko(stock fish)  I was sent to buy,  I’d start a rambling speech, promising  the market women that I’d renovate the entire market when I finally become a Lagos Corper. Pls you people should ask me when nysc became a governorship campaign. My shoulder pads never lost an ounce of  rigidity and on Several occasions , I’d pick up my phone, go to my whatsapp status to write stuff like ‘Ajuwaya!! Corper weeee o ‘ Eko o ni baje o. ‘Lagos Corper loading 96%. if  you’re sure you’l be a Lagos Corper  do like this☝ so we’d count ourselves…please if you are not sure of your Lagos status, kindly wrinkle that finger b4 I chop it off’!.    luckily,  for some reason, whenever  I was  a click away from uploading  that, something I’d like to call the hand of God would touch me & i’d wipe it off. 

 So i was snuggling with my pillow one unresolved  morning when my friend and all time informant since versity days called to tell me the American visa  call up letter was out. I sprang up like a mad woman who just gained sanity,  logged into my dashboard, saw something that looked like  Plateau State, logged out and went to wash my face.  After that, I went to God in prayer. I can’t remember how many Holy Ghost fire i imported from heaven that morning. With that fire, I had imaginerily burnt up my village people who were trying to follow me, I had burnt down my dashboard and had wiped all the generations of P.l.a.t.e.a.u that had come to dwell on my dashboard. After successfully burning up everything, I started speaking in tongues. There was nothing I didn’t do. I went as far as indulging in an imaginary 40 days dry fasting on the spot.  I kept reminding God about his word in Matthew 7:7.. ‘God I asked for Lagos. why am I seeing something that looks like Plateau’?.dear lord from Lagos to plateau State is approximately 24hrs journey by road. Lord of my destiny! that wasn’t our agreement. Pls I’l be going  back to my dashboard in 5minutes. Pls Lord, instruct your Angels to use their correction pen to make neccessary corrections and let your name be praised . Amen’.

Minutes later I went to my dashboard and unlike before, ‘Plateau’ was more conspicuous as if the person who wrote it before came back to add extra ink. I felt oxygen jilt my nostrils & chills all over my body. Sweaty palms. Stiffened legs. Too many calls were coming in from people who seemed to be curious upon thesame thing ‘peace have you checked your dashboard? Did you get Lagos as you affirmed?  I replied by telling them I couldn’t access my dashboard resulting from bad network at my end & when I heard ‘send me your login let me check it for you’.  I would hang up, never to pick again. At some point my stomach started to rumble. my anus eagerly wanted to ease tension so I rushed to the toilet, and then purged uncontrollably. As I purged, I cried. I cried not primarily bcoz I was deployed to Plateau  but the fact that I had prided myself all along as a Lagos Corper. How exactly do I face the world now? 

 I got out of the toilet and my sister was standing by the door like the stench of my poop was her biggest inspiration. She asked me if I had checked my dashboard and I murmured ‘yes I have. I saw something that looked like Plateau’. She immediately  placed all members of our family on a conference call to tell them how I had wasted the family’s money on a direct posting to Lagos but was eventually  thrown to Kafanchan . I didn’t even wait to hear the last of it. I went to my room, picked my phone and addressed a text to the man who swindled me. I wrote  thus;

‘Mr Cletus. By the time you’d get this text, Amadioha must have written your name in his book of life. so Mr Cletus all this while, you were acting as a middle man btwn my village people and I yet you deceived  me into believing you were sent from God. My God will punish you. The punishment he will give you will come in episodes and by his Grace, all your kids will be deployed to Chad when their time comes. I give you 2secs 1min to refund my money else, I’l invoke amadioha to give you blow job. Wicked man’!

I drafted that text and broke more in tears. I placed a call to him instead, telling him my predicament & how disappointed I was. He apologized & promised to work out a redeployment for me. Wrapping up the call, he said, ‘ but Peace you know Plateau is like London. That place is cold o & it even snows there. Maybe this is how  God is trying to prepare you for the big abroad’. I hung up and even though I tried to see light at the end of the tunnel, I felt betrayed. Everyone had betrayed me including you my blog readers  bcoz y’all  obviously didn’t pray for me despite how much I begged for it . I thought we were a family! 

 In the end, it was just me,God and plateau. Some Friends and loved ones called to sympathize. Others paid me condolence visit. Some laughed at me. Some already gave me northern baptismal names while the rest used my story to teach kids on the topic ‘pride comes before a fall’. On the deal day, I muffled up my hopes in the hem of God’s garment and with every step I took to the airport, Mr Cletus words became my utmost assurance. I would hit my hand on my Chest and say to myself ‘but Peace, you know  jos is like London. That place is very cold o. It even snows there. Maybe this is God trying to prepare you for the big abroad or maybe, just maybe,  you’l find your husband there’.

Guess who’s back? 

I was on a baecation with Anthony Joshua in the magnificent City of Dubia which explains my absence from this blog. I am sorry I couldn’t inform you all before leaving. I remember I was lying on my Mouka foam that Saturday morning when I got this text ‘peace baby, it must have been hard faring without me.  I’m sorry for all the times I neglected you and spent our hard earned money on other women. Truth is, without you, I cannot breathe,eat or even sleep. You are the bone of my bone and I’m sorry it took me this long to realize. Dear peace, I have made all this money for you. My ribs are incomplete without you. Come meet me at the airport in 10minutes. Don’t bother packing up anything , we’d shop for new things when we get to Dubai.  your missing rib, Anthony J.❤

I used 5minutes from my 10minutes deadline to wash my face over and over again so I could re-read the text. I mean, I knew my rib had been missing  all this while but how would I have known my local rib was so ambitious as to apply for visa, purchase ticket,  cross borders, lands and seas to finally land between Anthony Joshua’s huge six-packs?

 After using 2minutes from my remaining 5minutes to shower,  I thought of making a post  to share the good news, but what if Anthony Joshua had sent the text to a couple of peace on his contact b/cos he wasn’t sure which of the peace was my own peace, and had decided to go with the first peace who showed up at the airport? isn’t delay really dangerous? What would it profit me to gain your congratulatory feedbacks but lose my Anthony Joshua to one peace whose buttocks are as little as a mustard seed? After thoroughly thinking this through, I drafted my post,  shoved WordPress into my accommodating ass & hurriedly flew to the airport to posses my possession!

Dubai was fun! From the time Anthony Joshua told me he saw his future kids in my eyes, to the time  he asked me to marry him while we were jetting off to Los Angeles to get pizza. I would have shared countless loved up photos of us on here but Anthony Joshua is a very discreet person. Please don’t come here to say I am lying b/cos if you do,  I’l  forward your photo to Amadioha and you know what that means.  Anthony Joshua and I have been way back & I was with him before his abs, packs & muscles were born. I was literally with him when he had nothing and you don’t think it’s high time I reap my labour?

 Dear beloveth Anthony  Joshua, I want you to know that you are the man for me. You are undisputedly the best boo in the whole muscular world, and my greatest wish right now is to continue this dream about us tonight! 

               …….Now back to reality!!….. 

The past weeks I wasn’t here,  I was in my second country, Benin Republic. After visiting Benin Republic, and coming back to Nigeria, I’d like tell you Nigerians complaining about the Nigerian Sun to kindly shut up  b/cos apparently, y’all are inside a refrigerator compared to people in that country! 

Few days  I arrived Benin, I went to a saloon to braid my hair,  and when the saloonist was half way through, I heard,  ‘Aunty, hair e no dey for Middle o‘. I was shocked. Why won’t there be hair in the middle of my head?

 To attest, I ran my fingers on my scalp and  lo and behold, I was truly bald at the middle! Not even a single hair. The country’s volcanic sun had erupted on my head and savaged all the hair in the middle. Until now, I still wonder how a sun could be so carnivorous, conniving and cruel.

 If only i was fluent in French, I would have written a letter to the Beninese Government so they tackle this issue of intense sun b4 more people will go bald, and then blame their village people for their hairless destinies. 

The reason I went to Benin Republic was to have my clearance done and then, get my certificate, but little did I know that getting my certificate would be synonymous to getting American visa.  It was an unending process. The school authorities kept tossing me round, and when I couldn’t condole anymore tossing,  I came up with a story of how I had a 3month old baby in Nigeria and how my husband had been calling to tell me the baby was always crying for breast milk. My story went viral and touched hearts.  In  less than 24hrs I cooked up that story,  I got apologies in order & also got my certificate. 

I returned to Nigeria few days after and successfully registered for my nysc. If you follow my blog religiously,  you would have read a post I talked about Nysc and all its palava and the reason I dread the scheme so much. The story hasn’t changed. I got no love for the scheme. In fact, I shamelessly admit to getting engaged in it b/cos of the 19,800naira I would be paid monthly. Half bread they say is better than none. I rather collect 19,800naira than stay home and collect 19,800kg worth of undiluted calories. 

Related: Between me,  Nysc and all its palava.

 During my registration, I didn’t  know what possessed me into choosing 2 northern states from my 4 states option. please no one should come here to tell me to take heart or tell me everything happens for a reason. I remember the night before the Nysc portal opened, I had fantasized on how I would choose Lagos, Abuja, Lagos and Abuja again. On the deal day,  I forfeited breakfast, got to the cyber at to meet more than  a hundred prospective corpers already queued up.  I picked my  number & the wait began. Whenever I talked myself into going to look for snacks to eat, my subconscious told me not to go. It told  me to exercise little more patience so I don’t miss my turn. That was how I sat there like a widowed fowl for 7hrs b4 my name was called.  As at the time it got to my turn,  my eyes already turned quarter past 4  & hunger was ministering  to me in 77 dialects. I became confused and the next thing I remember was seeing myself in front of a puff puff vendor, telling her to give me extra 200naira puff puff. After getting all the puff puff safely buried in my stomach, I returned to the cyber to continue with my registration but The lady at the cyber told me I was already done with it. 

Really?  how could she say I had registered when I don’t have any memory of it? I didn’t believe her until I went on my whatsapp and realised I told a friend I was through with my registration and had also sent that friend the list of states I had chosen. 1eastern state, 1west and 2 northern states. Please you people should ask me if I have a family member in the north. Why did my village people send Hunger to me to get me confused? Why do they want me to serve in the north?  I didn’t even choose it once but twice. Oh Lord! 

If there’s anything I need right now, it would be your prayers. Blog people, I need you to pray for me. I don’t want to posted to Kafanchan.  I don’t  want to be posted to  a place where I have to climb trees &electric poles, satellite dishes just to check my phone balance. I’m counting on all of your prayers. Please, please and please, for the love of Christ, don’t abandon me in this my time of need!

Happy New month y’all❤❤