Tag Archives: linda Ikeji

Is it okay to snoop on your partner?

So in-between work sometime last week, I visited Linda ikeji’s blog and came across this headline👇

€95,000 = 47million naira

I don’t know the authenticity of this news but after I read it through, I saw all reasons to give thanks  to the one God who never made me a Saudis. I also praised his Holy name for his wisdom and guidance as I had never for once in my entire life considered migrating to Saudi Arabia. I had never considered it a destination for honeymoon, sugarmoon, milo-moon, milk-moon or any other moon that has to do with myself,  my man and his phone b/cos y’all know what? I am an unrepentant badass snoop, and judging from that law, I’d spend all my life in jail with hard labour.  hard labour bcoz if you summed up my past life with my present life, it wouldn’t even be equal to 2million not to talk of 47million naira. The only time I saw such huge amounts of money was in a dream I had  in the year 2001. So now y’all know where I’m coming from right? 

Please, don’t come here to judge me and question my self confidence as a woman or list my insecurities or give me a sermon on the topic, ‘snooping can ruin your relationship’. I mean, why should my relationship get ruined becoz I snooped on my partner or he snooped on me? are we not being oblivious to the fact  that my relationship got ruined not bcoz I snooped but bcoz in the process of snooping, I found out my man was the updated version of Cristiano Ronaldo who was solely dribbling 99 girls on whatsapp, 66 women on facebook and scoring free penalty with 45 slay queens on Instagram? if this was the case, then would it be reasonable to blame the failure of my relationship on my snooping or on his cheating ass? Would it be better if I didn’t find out? Would it be better if I had let myself be blinded by the non-existant love of a man whose only ambition on earth is to outdo king Solomon? 

Some general overseers in relationship matters would say the reason you are snooping on your partner is bcoz you do not trust them and a relationship without trust is bound to fail but then,  how can trust sprout if I can’t invade your privacy and find you blameless? The person you are allowing access to your privacy is not a stranger. That person is not your wicked step-mother, your colleague at work or that mad woman or madman down your street. The person we are talking about here is your partner! Your spouse! You share bed with that person . You go down on that person. You both share problems, ideas, thoughts. You both also share tooth brush, pants, saliva and other things i’m not interested in talking about on here, So what exactly is the big deal in them going through your phone? Ain’t you both suppose to be one? oh, so you can be one in every other thing but when it comes to your phone you want to 2? You want to build a bridge and draw boundaries? really, what type of milk did you drink in your childhood? goat milk? 

Okay, before you think I am blabbering, I will go ahead to list all the Pros and cons of snooping that I know of,  and you are free to correct me if you think i’m illogical. Now to the Pros; 

  • Snooping helps you discover some underlying truth about your partner. In cases where his side job is kidnapping but he never told you and then you on his whatsapp one evening, and you come across his chat with a gang member who hit him up like ‘ Evans, now that we have kidnapped Otedola, should our next target be Dangote ? 😱
  • It helps you to effortlessly dodge a bullet. In cases where you go through her phone, only to find out she’s an all time bed-hopper who isn’t repenting soon cos she texted one Alhaji Musa to tell him she would  come visit him in Abuja during the weekend even though she had lied to you, saying she wanted to go see her sick uncle in the village that weekend. Now you know her true colors. You know you deserve better. You know you’v dodged that bullet and you ain’t gon’ beat yourself up about it cos you know you loved her ceaselessly even though you know her butts are flat as pancakes.  
  • It helps to build more trust in your relationship. In cases where he is acting suspicious and then you go through his phone but found nothing, other than his chat with his pastor and the main topic of their discussion was you. How much blessings you have been to him and how he couldn’t  wait  to finally say ‘I do’ to you. After reading that chat, you know your love and trust level for him automatically  bottles up  from 60litres to 360litres.
  • It reduces your chances of contracting STDs. In cases where you go through his phone and realized he had hooked up with prostitute that night before coming home to you. You know you ain’t giving him any doggy that night and In fact,  You’r  gon’ lock up that v*gin* and will only unlock it after; (1) taking him to the hospital to have a proper test done on his PS and (2)  After he must have used algebra and almighty formula to explain why he cheated in the first place.

    Cons;

    • Your 7/8/10years relationship abruptly ends. In cases you find out he/she is really cheating and you don’t know the best way to handle it so everything becomes messy and one person is asking for space and then silent treatments for weeks and boom the next time you call him/her, they’re asking ‘who’s this please‘?  
    • You get hurt. Can’t stop crying for days, weeks, months,years and decades and then your followers on social media starts to unfollow you bcoz they are tired of your daily ‘men are scum’ rants.
    • I don’t know. I guess it’s finished. No more cons people! no more cons! 

     Having said all these, I’d like to give a shout-out to my fellow snoopers. You guys are not alone. I have been with y’all before Jesus turned that water into wine, and maybe, just Maybe before rapture takes place we’d change right? Maybe not!  To you dear readers, what is your take on snooping? do you think it’s okay to snoop or get snooped on by your partner? Are you for or  against it?  Has snooping ever marred your relationship or did it help it grow stronger? Tell us in the comment section! We unapologetic snoopers and non-snoopers want to know! ❤❤

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    He would have been my husband but…. 

    I never mentioned this, but I’m from a family of matchmakers. We matchmake people. People contact us from all parts of Africa and we get them hooked up.  You know, there are men and women who have sailed the seven seas, from river Nile to river Zambezi in search of their missing rib yet couldn’t find.  These set of people need help, and that’s where all the members of my family come in. we know where to find everyone’s missing rib. 

    The few times  I eavesdropped on my brothers phone conversations, i heard them say  Oga Boniface! Do you want a yellow, black, green or blue woman?  bro donatus, do you want  Lepa or Orobo? Bro Titus, Do you want a woman with stretch marks? Facial hair? Are you attracted  to women with muscles or k-legs? Do you want a woman who snores  or the one who farts in her sleep‘. OK you want a woman who snores. Aunty charity from our church choir is your missing rib’! 

    I have overheard my sister’s conversation with her friend  where she said ‘Rosemary, so  common boyfriend you don’t  have at your age. Are you sure  your village people haven’t cursed you? Give me time to see if I can  hook you up with  some single men I know  but tell me, do you like importers or exporters? Do you want a man with Flat or spiral head? fat or Slim, business man or office worker? afo beer or afo indomie? oh you like afo beer(protruding stomach) . Bro Cletus our church driver  is the man for you!’. 

    Our family business resumed this year with a client who is a friend of my sister’s. He is a Nigerian man based in spain. My Sis told me he had houses everywhere, on land, air and on sea.  I heard he had fleet of cars. I heard he was dark, tall,   handsome, God fearing and that he recently flew to Dubai to take a selfie.  what? 

    The more my sis told me about him, the more he appeared like my perfect  portion in the land of the living. I could swear he was my missing rib. My Mr Right. My Eminado. All I had for him was love love love. I was already wearing imaginary wedding gown. I  imagined it was our wedding day in Dubai, and lots of Celebrities were in attendance. I saw Toke Makinwa,  Tonto Dikeh, Tiwa savage and her husband. I noticed  Linda Ikeji was staring fixedly at my husband so I covered him with the blood of my unconditional love. I heard Adesua whisper to Banky W ‘#BAAD2017 would have made more sense in Dubai o’.  I saw my beautiful  blog visitors sitted like angels shedding tears of joy. I heard one of them say ‘oh peace, it was just like yesterday when you wanted to be a babalawo. look at you now!‘. I also saw the gender-confused Bobrisky taking selfies everywhere, barking his usual osshhheyy baddest!!  At my own wedding? I was thinking of the closest Arabian prison to dump him when the priest beckoned on us to kiss  ‘you may kiss now kiss as man and wife!’.  We were busy kissing Arabian, French and Spanish  when my Sister’s hoarse voice broke the  heavens  ‘the only problem is that the man is 55years old’.

    Fifty whaattt’???  At this point, I was back to reality.

    I said he is 55years old naw’. 

    Wait pls!  Do you mean  55 months or 55years’? I asked as all my tissues, organs, intestines Intertwined. Peace you have just kissed your ancestor! abomination! 

    I unhesitatingly started to take everything back. The Spanish kiss, the Arabian wedding. I started re-directing my imaginations. He was my ancestor. My father’s age mate. peace how could you! No wonder aunty Linda Ikeja was staring at him because they were almost age mates and he was supposed to be marrying her and not me! 

    I asked my sister to quickly  hook him up with her old friends as 55 is not a friendly age.  I pleaded  with her to reveal his age first before trying to entice them with all his earthly possessions, so they don’t end up like me who divorced him on our imaginary wedding day. 

    After about 2 futile weeks of wife hunting for the old man, my Sis got a call that there was this ancestral cousin of ours who wasn’t married, aged 35. She sent her pictures to my Sis who sent them to the man. The old man texted 5mins later to say he didn’t like her. he said she was too old and he would prefer a light skinned girl.  You see why this man won’t make heaven? He is old but doesn’t want another person to be old.  A typical case of kettle calling pot black. At age 55,grand daddy still thinks he has a choice. 

    Yesterday , my sister jumped into my room and said ‘peace o, but you are light skinned and you still young. Don’t you think you should….. ‘

     ‘I should what’?  I shouted with the voice of  a thousand generation. Thank goodness we  don’t live close to third mainland bridge. I would have pushed her inside the water so she would tell the Marmiwaters there that they were light skinned too. 

    Let’s say I decide to marry this grand dad now. Which mouth will I use to call my father’s age mate baby, darling, honey and sugar pie?  Isn’t that an abomination? the kind of abomination that  makes amadioha demand 18bags of rice, 18bags of beans,16 ostrich eggs and 1human head?  Talking about workshops, how am i sure his own can perform 21st century wonders biko. We are no longer  in the 19th century When missionary was the order of the day!  I don’t need someone shouting my back o! my waist o! when the proper marathon hasn’t even started.  20minutes  later he’ll start to bleat like a goat that just climbed Mount Everest. Soon,  he starts  shaking and 2mins later, he  gives up the ghost even before giving up the much anticipated PS!. Lord have mercy! 

     I don’t know the reason African men prefer to marry when they are old. You will see a 35 years old man telling you he’s single and searching. Searching for what?   The fact that we ladies  say we want mature men doesn’t mean we want  to marry our ancestors. We love to marry  you young. We want someone that will grow old with us not someone who already bought his first class aging ticket before Jesus turned water into wine. That man would have been my husband now but just negodu! I never prayed to marry a man 10years older than me. 5years is the max age difference I can accept. I cannot go out with you and be answering the ‘is he your father’ question. No way! 

     What about you ladies, does age matter to you? And to you men, why do you wait for the second coming of Jesus before you get married? 

    PS: To all the ladies reading this, there is a marriage offer opened to light skinned young girls. The man as you know is just 55years old. If you interested, send your name and pictures to Cliquetalkblog@gmail.com… Do not be discouraged. Age they say, is just a number!