This thing doesn’t want to come out!

People!!! For sometime now, I haven’t been able to successfully poop! If you think you’ve seen the worst cases of bow legs, then you need to see me now!  I literally walk like a woman who is in labour through her anus. The baby’s big head is stuck and cannot completely come out or go back in. You think you are indecisive? then you haven’t met my poop. Bitch wouldn’t come out or go back in completely!

I first had the urge to poo this poop on Friday, but you see, baby girl was too busy to sit down &wait in the toilet for logs of shit to drop. Instead, I went  to buy  ijebu garri. I bought 4 groundnuts, sugar, milk &eja dindin(fried fish). I poured everything inside a bowl and felt victorious. I mixed with cold-water, and as I drank, I saw heaven. I saw the Angels singing Hosanna. I saw myself with my bowl of garri in heaven. Heaven is such a beautiful place! I saw mother Mary preaching &telling some chubby children that man must not live by bread alone. 

‘Of cos kids! man must also try to live by ijebu Garri’.  i said as i strolled past them. 

I saw one of my Aunts, Aunty Agnes in heaven. She had died in her sleep in 1998 and  a lot of us had wished her hell after we heard the good news. You see, that woman always made fun of me and my siblings, especially my brother. Every time she saw him, she’d mockingly say ‘Eche! Eche! rain is falling, and I don’t  have umbrella. pls can i hide under your nose’?  Yes! Eche had a big nose so what? 

I saw our very own Bobrisky get rejected at heaven’s gate b/cos the Angel at the gate said the photo they had of him was very different from What he now looked like. Even though Bobrisky never gave me a dime of his money on earth , I thought I could plead on his behalf, but before I could bark the usual osshey baddest, I was deported back to reality to an empty bowl of garri. I vaguely raised one side of my buttocks, released fart, and then went to sleep without drinking water. 

 Saturday, i ate lots of things I cannot remember. The urge to poop  came again, and I said ‘shit pls! let a Bby girl be. Why didn’t you come before I had my bath? now that I’m clean, you want to soil my anus abi? pls enter inside, and sleep!

Sunday, i was dressing to church and it came again. I used the next  5minutes to speak in tongues. I held my buttocks and said ‘devil is trying to use you. dear shit, it is obvious you are not a child of God but believe me, i must take you to church & You must repent before I shit you’!

 Sunday afternoon, i ate rice with stew, chewed bones, swallowed, and then took my phone with my earpiece to the toilet. I was Jamming songs & chatting  when i gave the first push but no show. I pushed 10times and the 11th time,   One choco Milo sized one dropped. I knew that wasn’t the entire package as I still felt very full down there. I dropped my phone, pulled my blouse as I was sweating profusely. I pushed again, yet nothing dropped! I thought to stand up and go drink some water, but I couldn’t stand up. The shit didn’t want to enter inside. You don’t want to get out, you don’t want to get in. What do you really want? I tried to push it in, and after 20mins of its refusal, i came out from the toilet like that with legs acutely bowed as that was the position I had found a little comfort. My sister who was within eyeshot saw me and exclaimed.

Sis: Jesus! …did you bathe inside the toilet? 

Me: it is sweat! My shit didn’t come out. 

Sis: hahaha..is that why you now opened your legs like express road? Ehya and I heard that thing use to kill ppl o. 

Really? Of all the things to tell me in this condition? 

I followed a friend’s advice, and drank over 100litres of water this morning. I jogged round my compound like someone preparing for the Olympics. I ran and covered more distance than Usain Bolt. I  took oranges. I  prayed. I made promises to God. I told him i was always gon’ drink enough water every morning and after every meal, I told him I would never store and save shit in my shit bank. I said all these things, and I’m coming from the toilet now, sweating like a she-goat,yet  nothing came out! 

 Pls, if you are the one doing this to me, just stop already! I want to have decent conversations with people on my social media without talking about shit and anus. People be telling me how a mysterious snake swallowed 36million naira,and il be busy telling them how I feel  majority of us won’t make heaven b/cos we don’t  use our anus constantly as God wants. Bro Boniface on my whatsapp be telling me how he wants to propose to his girlfriend and il be like ‘bro boni, you and every part of you including your anus belongs to God! pls don’t forget to confess this  everyday. don’t forget to drink water before and after meal.It is well with your anus’!

Dear Brethren, pls pray for me. my anus is tired. Right now I don’t even know if it’s mine anymore. I’m typing with the last strength I can muster as I exhausted myself while pushing. what do you suggest I do?what do you suggest I eat. Do you think I should pray? If so,  how many days fasting and prayer?  pls help me! This thing doesn’t want to come out!